My heart hurting is a fairly common thing you hear in adoption, however in this case it is not about placement, or missing gavin, or anything of that sort. It's for my family (The R's). If you or anyone you know is facebook friends with Mrs. R, you have probably read my blunt, not so blunt comment.. but a paragraph can hardly seem to capture how much I feel for them and love them.
So I shall make a post about it & TRY to be tactful...
and it's going to be completely honest (fair warning)...
This post in no way reflects the thoughts, opinions, or words of the R's.
Rather than drawing it out into a long chapter book, i'm just going to attempt at putting it simply...and simply to be honest, in the most loving way, I had a bad feeling about it all along. I even expressed that to Mrs. R earlier in the summer while really in truly trying to maintain positive thoughts and loving words. It was hard for me to tell her that I had a bad feeling about it, however I felt really strongly so I did it anyway. If you read back a couple of posts I expressed that it was hard for me to talk and develop a relationship with C because it was awkward and difficult for me to accept a new individual in our family, but quietly it was also because I wasn't necessarily convinced of her dedication to an adoption plan and did not want to invest my emotions (which I explain only to Tyson's birth mom). I've said this over and over again potential birth moms don't realize (as much as they'd like convince others they do, like i did) just how hard it is to do, and the emotions, love and sacrifice that are involved in placing, and I believe the reality of the situation (placing) mixed with confusion, emotions, and convincing of others are what led to her decision. But this is me speculating. Take it for what it is please.
Now, I'm not saying her decision was necessarily wrong. But selfish? A bit. And not for the R's but for the baby, for the obvious reasons. But she has that right, the right to choose to parent.
I hurt for the R's because I know of the joy they felt, the love they felt, the anticipation, and the blessings.. but more important I hurt for the R's because of the love I feel for them. They are my family, and no one likes to see their family in sorrow and pain.
They may forgive her right away (because they are amazing), but I certainly do not... not yet anyway. I will eventually. Overall I do wish her well, but I do wish that before she overly commits to something in the future she takes time to think and process her decision before involving others deep emotions.
I love you Redferns! :)
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5 comments:
I completely agree with not wanting to forgive C. And your instincts were correct. But to call her a bit selfish, is a lil harsh. Someone who loves her child and believes in there ability to parent is not selfish. But a strong and courageous woman. And should not be put down for wanting to keep her child. It was not selfish for the baby, you cant predict the life that baby will have. Yes she might have hurt the R's but adoption comes with hurt. Whatever choice is made, someone will be getting hurt. But in this case it wasn't the birth mom which is the root of your harsh feelings for her. Your right a potential birth mom never fully understands how hard it is to place, and i don't think they will until placement day comes. I am a birth mother myself and I never knew the depth of how hard it was placing my son, even if it was an open adoption. Just because you were able to place doesn't mean adoption is right for everyone, especially C.
I agree on the fact that adoption isn't always right for everyone, and I often, when giving advice to pregnant teens, make that a point to say. I am not in any way shape or form putting her down for her decision because she decided to parent, I even said it wasn't necessarily the wrong decision, however I do know a tad bit more about the "situation" then readers have gotten to know, and it is my belief that to deprive a child of a stable loving secure home, is a bit selfish. I loved my son just as much as you loved yours i am sure, and I would have been a great mother... but depriving him of like i stated above, of a stable loving secure home, because I thought I could be a great single mother and loved my son would have been a tad bit selfish, and that's because his birth father made an attempt to try and express his wants to parent with me as well. I would hardly say I have harsh feelings for her, but rather regret...regret that to my belief she didn't take enough time for herself during her pregnancy, and be truly sure of what she wanted, and in turn THAT resulted in my family getting hurt.
They do sound like an amazing family from her blog. I believe that a women has the right to change her mind to parent instead of placing...what I found "funny" not the ha ha kind..was that on a post on Mrs R blog about "failed placements" - C comments several times quite rudly about a girl that changed her mind. That is sad. Not to put anyone down, just thought that was a contradiction.
I find it heart warming that you all (you and Tyson's mom) seem to have such a loving strong relationship with the Rs (as well as each other) that appears to grow even stronger over time. It is sad to read of a lot of couples that cut the birth mom out once the baby is placed. It is so wonderful to see that it doesn't have to be that way and to see the "gain" for all parties with it is open.
I love your blog! LOVE IT!
I think its so interesting how people get to their different places and how that process goes.
Thank you for your honesty and your raw emotion from the heart. You give girls/women out there in similar situations good things to think about not only in the moment but for the future too.
I love you, and I am thankful to you for saying hard things that are so deeply affecting you, and the R's and all of us who love them. Love you Joniece.
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