"Mistakes" becoming Miracles.

My heart hurts

2012-01-15T23:14:00.000-08:00

My heart hurting is a fairly common thing you hear in adoption, however in this case it is not about placement, or missing gavin, or anything of that sort. It's for my family (The R's). If you or anyone you know is facebook friends with Mrs. R, you have probably read my blunt, not so blunt comment.. but a paragraph can hardly seem to capture how much I feel for them and love them.
So I shall make a post about it & TRY to be tactful...
and it's going to be completely honest (fair warning)...

This post in no way reflects the thoughts, opinions, or words of the R's.

Rather than drawing it out into a long chapter book, i'm just going to attempt at putting it simply...and simply to be honest, in the most loving way, I had a bad feeling about it all along. I even expressed that to Mrs. R earlier in the summer while really in truly trying to maintain positive thoughts and loving words. It was hard for me to tell her that I had a bad feeling about it, however I felt really strongly so I did it anyway. If you read back a couple of posts I expressed that it was hard for me to talk and develop a relationship with C because it was awkward and difficult for me to accept a new individual in our family, but quietly it was also because I wasn't necessarily convinced of her dedication to an adoption plan and did not want to invest my emotions (which I explain only to Tyson's birth mom). I've said this over and over again potential birth moms don't realize (as much as they'd like convince others they do, like i did) just how hard it is to do, and the emotions, love and sacrifice that are involved in placing, and I believe the reality of the situation (placing) mixed with confusion, emotions, and convincing of others are what led to her decision. But this is me speculating. Take it for what it is please.

Now, I'm not saying her decision was necessarily wrong. But selfish? A bit. And not for the R's but for the baby, for the obvious reasons. But she has that right, the right to choose to parent.

I hurt for the R's because I know of the joy they felt, the love they felt, the anticipation, and the blessings.. but more important I hurt for the R's because of the love I feel for them. They are my family, and no one likes to see their family in sorrow and pain.

They may forgive her right away (because they are amazing), but I certainly do not... not yet anyway. I will eventually. Overall I do wish her well, but I do wish that before she overly commits to something in the future she takes time to think and process her decision before involving others deep emotions.

I love you Redferns! :)

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

to Live; to exsist

2012-01-05T10:37:00.000-08:00

Pardon me for my brief absence from the adoption blogging world, I know you all are dying to hear my opinions are various subjects that my little heart desires (humorous sarcasm), but my excuse is... I HAVE BEEN LIVING.

Not that I am in any way, shape, or form am saying that those who do blog about adoption are not living, that is something that is part of their everyday life and I totally commend them on that, unfortunately though, it cannot be mine.

I have reiterated over and over again that the way I cope and am able to have such a happy, positive, healthy adoption is I distance myself. I do not consume myself with adoption opinions, thoughts, or ideas. I, personally, could not handle that.

so when my life gets busy or consumed by other things, although I want and have every intention to write in here, I just let life's other blissful happenings lead the way.

For a good two months after I placed Gavin, all I would do is think about him, look at pictures, and cry. I did not work, nor go to school, nor hang out with friends. I needed that grieving time and recommend it to all birth moms, especially in the beginning. But I love where I am at 3 years later, I think about him every day, but rather than tears running down my face, I have a smile!

I love you Gav.

Have a great day today, especially today.

Joniece

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

How I feel about...

2011-12-09T10:13:00.000-08:00

CELEBRITY SINGLE-PARENT ADOPTIONS

I do not approve of them (For the most part).
And here is why:

If you ask a birth mom what it is she wanted for her child, most people would describe an ideal family with two parents and possibly siblings, who loves and plays together. Pretty standard right?

Well we often see in the magazines, celebrities, who are single parents adopting. IE: Angelina Jolie (Before Brad Pitt), Sandra Bullock, and Willie Garson to name a few. Now I am not in any way, shape, or form saying that I think they are bad people, or that the child would be raised in a bad environment, but just because they have a copious amount of money, do not make them qualified to be a mother and a father to a child. It is my belief that the child still misses out on that "other half" of the parenting duo and could still face some of the same emotional issues as other children who are raised in single-parent families. I don't think the amount of an individual's income, pertaining to this post because of celebrity status, qualifies one to provide the emotional and character support equaled to father (if they are a woman), or a mother (if they are a man).

I, personally, would not have chosen a family where there were not two parents present, for that was the main reason I chose adoption. I could have been a single parent, a wonderful single parent for that matter. But deprivation is not what I would choose for my son's life, a father was essential and something I some how needed to provide. (His parents are amazing, success!). However, in today's society.. there are exemptions to everything, and unfortunately that is one of them.

Joniece

Ps.
I am not saying they didn't do a wonderful thing by providing these children with loving homes, I am just saying the guidelines should not be bended based on status, nor income. :) I am happy they have taken part in such an amazing thing.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Hoping to Adopt.

2011-11-27T19:58:00.000-08:00

Hoping to Adopt

I think it is safe to say these are words that every birth mother has read and every hoping adoptive couple has written. Today it touched my heart, those exact words I've seen almost enough times to be burned into my eyes permanently. Let me trace for you the quick process of this emotion.. Cleaned room, logged on Facebook, read one of my birth-mom-friend's posts and clicked on her birth daughter's parent's blog. [Following? ha ha]

Sometimes as birth moms we tend to focus solely on our own pain... I'm guilty of it definitely, and in doing so we often forget what an emotional roller coaster, ordeal, and challenge even CHOOSING to adopt is for a couple. To have to be deemed "Perfect parents" through a series of home studies, paperwork, and reference checks just to be able to start the waiting process is more stress than I think I could handle. I give them credit where I believe it is due by far.

Sometimes when I think about how many wonderful couples (who deserve to be parents) are just eagerly waiting... I wish that I could have a baby just for them. That would equal at least 10 babies off the top of my head, but as much as I'd want to we all know that's not really all that possible.

So what I can do is promote.
As you know, always MY family is hoping to adopt; THE R FAMILY.

but today; I'd like to feature another couple.. here is a link to their page. READ ALL ABOUT THEM & spread the word this Holiday Season.

DUSTIN & ANDREA

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Staying Sane with the Pain..

2011-11-21T17:46:00.000-08:00

(Images owned by OYFF, button owned by JRL, not to be used without consent)

You know that feeling of excitement you get when you discover something amazing that you never realized was there all along?
That is how I felt when I discovered Birth Mom retreats. I've been going to retreats my whole life from church retreats to leadership retreats to volunteer... well you get the point. You can imagine my elation when I found out there's one designated just for women like me... who know my pain, who know my sacrifice, and who know of my love. Out of all the adoption/ birth mom blogs I've ever read (which there is a handful let me tell you)... none has addressed this wonderful resource available to us. So here it is Ladies...

On Your Feet Foundation (Facebook Page)
On Your Feet Foundation was founded in 2001 by adoptive parents, adoption professionals and a birth parent who recognized the need for practical help for women who had chosen adoption for their child. We are a small, nonprofit 501c3 organization that provides personal support to birth parents to help them get "back on their feet." (Taken from OYFF page)If it looks or sounds familiar to you, it was featured on an episode of Teen Mom on MTV.

I have had the privilege of being in contact with a case manager of theirs, initially inquiring about retreat information for myself and from what I have read, and have been told it sounds like a great time. It is located on Lake Michigan (with access to the lake), filled with various activities and stories with a handful of birth moms, just like us! The minimal fee is $100.00 which includes everything (my understanding) except transportation to and from (however rides from the airport can be accommodated). I myself plan on attending the one next month (Fingers crossed) or the one in may 2012. They have two in the fall and two in the spring.

My opinion all bull honkey aside, is I chose not to seek professional counseling after placing Gavin for adoption, one reason being that I didn't think they could necessarily relate. This would have been a god-sent for my healing, and for my emotions. But it's never too late right? It's more than group, it's more than conversations with a friend, it's a sacred hide-a-way where angels gather.

For more information you can visit their website by clicking on the button above, their facebook link, or e-mailing me. Feel free to research other retreats (if this one is too far) and promote them, I definitely think this is something worth promoting in the adoption world.

-Joniece

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Birthmother Dating a Father

2011-11-17T10:36:00.001-08:00

Boyfriend & I
(at Border Patrol Museum)

Yes, we do those sort of things like go to The Border Patrol Museum. My boyfriend and I met through a mutual friend of ours the first couple days he got home from Afghanistan (he is in the Army) and we have been pretty much attached at the hip ever since. He is a great person, my best friend, my boyfriend, and a father to a beautiful almost 3 year old little girl.

I have yet to meet her (she lives with her mom in another state), but I'm sure some day I will and I look forward to it. I know I can drag on and on with my stories, so let me get to the point of this post as always... I wasn't always in favor with dating a father, especially soon after placing Gavin for adoption..but like most things, with time, my views have changed.

I point blank, have never wanted a "broken" family. And by broken I mean different kids from different parents, etc. I come from one of those ( and i love my family dearly), but it's something I've never wanted for myself or my future kids. When I was pregnant with Gavin and considering parenting, all I kept thinking about was the future, if i got married and had more kids... would Gavin feel left out? Abandoned? maybe resentment that J and I didn't try harder to make it work? Those feelings left me very uneasy. And so forth would never want any other child to be vulnerable to these feelings.

One thing I've come to realize through adoption is I have the ability and capacity in my heart to love a child as if they were my own, even if we do not have biological ties. I think that in the scenario my boyfriend (or any other father) and I were to get married, with my experiences of placing, adoption, and being a step child myself, I can be even that more sensitive to a child's feelings and possibly provide preventative measures to some of the issues kid's face in a second marriage, or "broken family". I love that I have learned that about myself and that I now welcome the idea. It would be nice to say that one boy is going to marry one girl and have 3 biological children, but sometimes, the world doesn't work like that and we learn to embrace what we have..more importantly to love what we have and in loving my "future" husband, I'm sure I'd come to love their child as well.

Have a great day.

Joniece

ps. Ignorance is not always bliss, bliss is happiness despite knowing the truth.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Something inside us...

2011-11-14T17:48:00.000-08:00

Picture of some other birth moms & I at the R house (literally)

I adore these ladies pictured above with me! In fact let me just go so far and say I adore most birth moms. We are so different and unique, each adoption story woven with fragile tears, love and experiences. It isn't our differences that really make me adore them though, but rather our similarities. Our willingness to sacrifice, our power to love, and our power to heal.

I've met a lot of younger teenage single parents (it seems like more and more lately), and although I do not condemn them for their decision to parent, I do feel for them and their child. Statics and odds are against them, and for that, I wish them all the power in the world to not fall into them. However, I think about the few (and although there may seem like there is a lot of birth moms, adoption is not the popular decision out of the three) women who were brave enough, and self-less enough to give their child up for adoption. Like I said we are all unique in our own way, but if you put us together and ask us questions, it's uncanny how similar most of our answers are.

It is simply put: Something inside us.

Something inside us all that makes us want more for our children. Call it love, call it fortitude, whatever you'd like to call it. We have it. I believe adoption is probably the least popular choice out of the 3 (adoption, abortion, or parenting) because it goes against human nature. We are not "supposed to" be okay with placing our flesh and blood with others. But we do, and we would do it all over again if we had to. For that fact alone, I love us! ALL OF US. For choosing life, for choosing love, and for choosing to place.

I will never know what made me strong enough to place, nor to even consider that decision. Like I said, it isn't human nature when faced with pregnancy to decide that. But I will always be grateful for it, I will always embrace it, and I will always love it..that something inside us.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

To give up a child.

2011-11-09T18:39:00.000-08:00

This is one of of the very few picture I took from my personal camera the day Gav was born.
Shortly after leaving UT, my camera deleted the rest of the pictures.
I have three.
I cherish this one the most. It was the first picture EVER taken of him.
I love him.

So before I get started on my post about the "correct" adoption lingo between giving up and placing... Let me just say I announced ON FACEBOOK... that I was in fact a birth mom. It was kind of scary (just a little tiny bit), and I thought momentarily about instantly deleting it. But now I feel relieved that I have finally decided to share the amazing gift I have of adoption. This is followed by many other FB statuses confessing I have a son that never made it to publication. It did not come too soon, nor too late. It was the perfect time. It will probably kick start a new part of my journey as a b-mom and I will probably write a post about it sometime this week (but don't quote me ha ha) Here we gooo....

Ever since I was pregnant I was under the impression that it was offensive to say "giving up a child for adoption" rather than "placing a child for adoption". Not that I think the reasoning behind it is wrong... but well, I believe the offensiveness of that statement is all a matter of opinion. Because let me tell you.. in placing my son for adoption.. I gave up a lot.

I gave up the ability to see his first steps, his first words, and his first day of school. I gave up being a mommy, having and feeling the unfailing love and bond that child has with their mother on a daily basis. The happiness of knowing that your their saving grace and comfort blanket when they are scared, sick, or sad. I gave up my mom and dad's joys of seeing their biological grandchild's special moments in life. I gave up my flesh and blood.

It perhaps used to offend me a little, the differentiating in the phrases based on adoption. But not anymore. In fact I have chosen to now say I have given my child up for adoption. I do not think it implies I carelessly left him on the doorstep of someone's front door, but rather that I have given him up to something better, and to someone who can provide what he deserves. Everything he deserves.

I cannot technically say I placed him for adoption, because as I have stated in my previous posts I was not strong enough to place him in the R's Arms.

I looked up Giving up on www.dictionary.com, and this was my favorite definition.

verb (used with object)

3.to place in someone's care:

September 2nd, 2008.. I gave up my life, I gave up my heart, I gave up my flesh. and I will NEVER be offended if someone uses that terminology around me.

Love,
Joniece

Just a reminder, this is a pretty blunt and raw emotion blog. If it ever seems like it portrays any negativity towards the R's or my adoption in general, it is not that way. I want to make it VERY clear all the time how thankful I am for them, my open adoption, and the way things turned out in life. I'm very happy and could not have asked for a better family!

ALSO:
As always, this is solely my opinion. Please do not go around using this terminology loosely as it may offend other birth moms, the best way to avoid this is to ask. thank you :)

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Decisions Decisions

2011-11-06T16:04:00.000-08:00

OK. so I am totally losing at this challenge. Would you forgive me if I told you I've been moving the last 3 days? Yes? Thank you. :)

So... today my heart has settled on writing about the time period women (birth moms) have to change their mind AFTER signing the relinquishment papers. For Nicole, it was I believe a couple of months.. for me.. it was Nothing. Just the way I wanted it.

Opinions vary tremendously on the time period that should be available to birth moms, and if there should be one available at all for them to change their minds. Well honestly although I would hear out these other said opinions, I don't give a monkey's behind about them. But here is mine...

Give us birth moms time after relinquishing? Yes.
Require mandatory counseling prior to being able to retract their decision? YES.
Make the time a reasonable time (ie. not months), like a week? Yes.

Contrary to my post about this topic last year Time is a Crime where I stated I absolutely was not in favor of this grace period, I have changed my views slightly. Like I said, I did not have this time available after signing the relinquishment papers nor did I want it and that has NOT changed. I honestly wouldn't wish a grace period on any birth parent because who wouldn't want to change their mind after placing their child for adoption, but do I believe that a REASONABLE time period should be instated, I do. One thing I have learned is not every adoption is the same.
I've always been a firm believe that adoption is not right for everyone or the answer in every case, and although I'm an advocate and happy with my decision... every birth mom didn't have the supportive individuals I had around me who ensured it was absolutely solely my decision.

However with in reason do I think that their decision can be over turned. I think they should mandate counseling for their birth mom to make sure it is not just part of the normal grieving process (ie. missing their child), as to why they think the best decision would now be to parent. And have the counselor speaking with the birth mother, to be a major role in the determining factor of in fact, allowing the veto of the adoption process.

All in All, I'm proud of my decision to place and am continuing to spread the positivity of adoption. On the other hand, unless you are a birth mother (especially as a state politician) I don't believe you have the right to make a valid ruling nor opinion one way or another on this issue. The end.

Sincerely, Joniece.

Although I may be losing this challenge, I am going to try and post more. My next post will be on the term "Placing or Giving up".

Stay Tuned

Remember if you ever have any questions and/or concerns please do not hesitate to e-mail me; Jonieceloya@hotmail.com ( I have loved receiving e-mails from those of you who I have)

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Being a Survivor

2011-11-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

WARNING: The photo below is a fake photo of my boyfriend and I. It actually happens to be where I was rubbing my eye which had mascara on it, and my boyfriend made the comment that "people were going to think I beat you Joniece." Hence, the picture below and why he is smiling. This picture is not meant to offend anyone, or be a mockery of actual DV in any context. Viewer discretion is advised.

You may be asking what the point of this picture is regarding the post? Well, it's about being a survivor... not becoming a victim of your circumstances, past, or adoption decisions.

Domestic Disputes were a large portion of my decision to place Gavin for adoption... Credit who you will with the "persuasion" about the benefits of adoption, but all in all, truth be told, it was the fact that Gavin's birth father had in fact punched me in the face when I was 3 months pregnant, and that was the straw that broke my camel's back. Credit that incident with the sole decision to place, and to want something better for my son...

To say that grieving that incident and that our relationship (Mine and J's) had gotten so bad, our fights ended in physical injuries would be an understatement. I had a hard time wondering how I could let someone do that to me... Did I really love myself? Did I love him that much? Was he really sorry? I hate him!... < Those were just same of the thoughts going through my mind to the journey of forgiveness. BUT I'm happy to report I have put those incidents behind me, and have fully, whole heartedly forgiven him and myself.

The point of the picture is that I am proof... I am proof that one can take something life-traumatizing, and successfully put it behind them, and even one day..joke about it. There was a time where this picture would have severely offended me, or hurt me, but now it's proof of my survival, of my love that I've developed for myself, of my wonderful and healthy relationship with a guy that would never so much put his hands on me, and of my sense of humor I've been able to maintain through all this (maybe even too much haha).

Do not let the circumstances of your adoption or placement hinder your life. For whatever reason you are thinking or have already placed..let it be a stepping stone in your life, a lesson learned, and a chance to grow in wisdom and love. You are strong. You are beautiful. and You have a future, not a past, worth living for.

Joniece

Ps. i'm sincerely sorry if you were offended by this picture, it is my sense of humor and i hope you understand.

On another note;
Domesic Violence/ Dating Violence is not a joke. Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup and Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed reducing domestic violence and sexual assault as their top concern. If you are or know someone who is a victim of Domestic Violence/ Dating violence, please know that I know your current situation is hard.. but we love you... you NEED to love you, and you are worth it. Please log onto www.thehotline.org for help!

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

November, YES I ACCEPT.

2011-11-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

Surprise, surprise.... I have a blog, and it's main focus is adoption.

In case you were not aware of said fact ha ha. With November being National Adoption Awareness month, I accept the notorious challenge of posting about adoption everyday this month. This will be a bit challenging for me seeing as a) I am getting ready for a new job and new living location (again) and b) well I may not have something to say everyday so bare with me if you will si vout plais (OH YEAH, i'm learning french.... an example of me making it count! SEE HERE)

Since I am running to Target this post will later be continued with an actual entirety.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Labor & Delivery.

2011-10-24T19:34:00.000-07:00

Labor & Delivery

A part of Gavin's adoption very few people know about..
Back then, that is how I wanted it...
but now, I shall divulge (a little bit) to you fine people!

That was a time in my life that I wanted to be alone... alone to think, alone to process, and alone with my son. My mom had plans to fly into SLC to be there for the birth of my son, but due to her flying stand by we weren't sure exactly if she would make it in time. Suggestions arose for various people to be in the room with me if she wasn't able to make it, but I was pretty insistent on giving birth alone had my mom not been there. It is not because I didn't want or appreciate their unfailing support, because I absolutely did and loved them for it. Simply, it's because this was such an intimate and important moment in my life, that I really didn't feel comfortable sharing it with someone else. My mom's flight luckily made it in time and she was there by my side... holding my hand.. playing the role of an non-supporting birth father. I honestly could not love my mom more for that time.

So let me start on the details, and let me tell you by the end of this I will probably have a tear or two rolling down my cheek at the sky harbor int'l airport in Phoenix, AZ where I am currently writing this... here we go.

I got induced on a Thursday, August 28, 2008 at around almost 11pm. Chalk it up to a mixture of my doctor going on vacation that week and me so READY to get Gavin out of my tummy (I tried naturally inducing in every way possible), I don't necessarily agree with either reason, especially because it was about 5 days earlier than his due date of September 4... but nonetheless it was time. I knew from about day 1 I would get an epidural, I'm not one for pain, and I sware by it... I would go back and do it again if I had to. I felt my first contraction while I was using the restroom and I, verbatim, responded with "ABSOLUTELY NOT. I want one now." ha ha. Gavin was head down, but unfortunately for awhile was facing the other way towards my rear and I was in so much pain (even though I had an epidural), excuse me for saying this, but I literally thought I was going to POOP HIM OUT. I was crying a little bit, but that's because I can be a whiny baby sometimes. Eventually the nurses came to turn me to see if he would turn as well and voila, pain eased, tears ceased.

I had Gav at about 12:10pm in the afternoon on Friday, August 29,2008. The whole time leading up to this I had envisioned myself in the role of all the damsel-in-distress pregnant women in the movies, with me using just about every curse word in the book, and squeezing my poor mom's hand. I hate to disappoint, but it was far less dramatic than I had imagined. I remember the doctor coming in and telling me it was time to push, she told me to push like I was having a bowel movement. We did I believe 2 practice pushes, and she told me I was a pro (not sure what that means ha ha), and that I was ready. THREE (yes I repeat only 3) pushes later, Gavin Lee Redfern had entered the world. Now, let me tell you I loved my child unconditionally, but I told them before I had pushed that I did not want them to lay him on me with the cord and the blood, and all that fun jazz ( I was 19, come on), my mom cut the cord and they cleaned him up pronto, and placed him in my arms.

THE TEARS flowed. I just sat there holding my little slice of heaven in my arms, crying. He was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Only then, did I learn what true love was. For the next 2 days... I never wanted to let him go. In fact I momentarily became an instant-over-protective parent, I didn't even want people to hold him who hadn't lathered up and bathed in hand sanitizer. My mom and I, for the longest time just sat in silence admiring our flesh and blood of a miracle and loving him as much as we could. The R's were called, and rushed to the hospital to see their new son. It was so great to see them, but at the same time a very hard and confusing time for me. I had now knew what love was, and wasn't sure if I was willing to let it go. (Obviously I made the choice too), but at that time I won't lie and say it didn't make me cry a little to see them with him. I don't want them (especially if they are reading this) to feel bad or that I resent the time they were there, because I absolutely do not.. I am so glad we could share that time together and they were there to see him right after his birth, but I am just being honest about my raw feelings at that time.

The next few days were in and out visits, paperwork, tears, and love. But it's truly the first few hours he was in this world, that I cherish the most. The time my mom and I had to hold Gavin, to talk to Gavin, and to love on Gavin before he was introduced to the world.

I love you baby boy, forever & always.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Need You I hear

2011-10-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

To be honest with you, when i think of blog titles, i try to be as clever as possible, sometimes i fail miserably, and other times i physically (in hiding) give myself a huge round of a applause... you know the kind when you were 5 where you make a circle motion with your hands. This specific one is a little confusing "Need you I hear"... it was inspired by my first thought when writing this which was... "What i need to hear" then I thought of course what i had to say (because i'm a loud mouth) which in turn was " What you need to hear" (from me) and wah lah, we've got Need you I hear. The breakdown of empathetic communication summed up by 4 words.

Having it been 4 years since I got pregnant, I often focus on life post-placement, and the feelings that correspond with where I am at in my own b-mom journey. But this blog wasn't soley created for me or for Gav, it was created for young women like myself who have either placed or are potentially looking into it. And let's face it when you're young, and find yourself in an unexpected pregnancy, having to make the hardest decisions you will ever have to in your life, and you look online for resources and support you sure as heck don't want to hear how happy I am. Or maybe you do, but I don't think that's the only thing... at that point in my life I definitely wouldn't have. I probably would of thought wow, this girl is way to chipper for having made the decision she did. (Which then i would have told myself hit older posts lol).

Which brings me to the question; What did I NEED to hear at that time of my life?

I'm sure this varies among each individual, this answer is only on my behalf, and I recommend that you ask each individual birth mom/potential birth mom what it is she feels she needs to hear.
When I was pregnant and considering adoption, it was a very confusing time for me... I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my life or that of this little baby growing inside me. I had more hormonal emotions than 5 normal-me combined, but at the same time was also very defiant in taking anyone's advice. Point blank, at that time in my life I did NOT need to hear what someone else thought I should do with my life. I did need to hear that I was supported no matter what decision I made though, which my parents did a fantastic job of. I needed to hear that I was loved and that whatever choice I made, would be the right one for me and g baby, and that all would be okay. I did not need to be condemned for getting pregnant (believe me I did that enough myself), nor that I was a dissapointment (even if my action of getting pregnant was). As well as love and support, and even if i did not want to hear it, I needed to hear the reality of my situation. Often times we find ourselves so caught up in the turmoil, ordeals, and drama of our own lives we fail to see the reality of the situation for what it is. It is not our faults, but rather human nature in general. I needed to hear that the novelty of having a newborn child would wear off, and I would indeed be parenting my son alone. (Be careful not to add personal opinion to this fact).

I needed to hear of good outcomes with open adoption, that I would see my son again, that i would KNOW he was living the life I wanted for him. And I needed to know that the people around me knew that I was doing everything I was, and making every choice I did out of love...

I was fortunate enough to hear just about all of these, and for that I know i'm blessed.

Now what I needed you to hear (and by you I mean one):

I need you to hear that during the pregnancy/adoption period I was having just about the most difficult time in my life. I need you to know that my ultimate decision whether it was to parent/or to place ( In my case to place) was mine to make, and I definitely outweighed the option. I need you to hear that I don't need your negative words or feedback about my decision in my life what so ever. I need you to hear that if you educate yourself on adoption in today's world I will respect your opinion so much more. I need you to hear that I was dying for a way out of making the final decision, and that running away from the world seemed like a plausible decision. I need you to hear, that i needed you close, but yet I needed my own space too. I need you to hear that not every adoption is the same and mine is unique. And more importantly I need you to hear that I in fact respect you for at least attempting to help me in any way shape or form at that point in my life.

Now put yourself in the scenario you think best fits you whether you are an expectant mother, or the loved one of the expectant mother... these scenarios can be switched out with multiple people and can be as generalized or specified as you want. This was soley me, at that point in my life, on the brink of placing my flesh and blood 4 days after I welcomed him into the world.

Make your voice heard. Make it known what you want. And surround yourself with totally supportive people.
It's the best thing you can do in a time of heartache and confusion.

Sincerely,
Joniec

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Life after death

2011-10-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

Hey guess what?

My name is Joniece. I got pregnant at 18 and placed my child for adoption. To some people I am incredible for my brave decision, to others I am selfish for not handling my "own problem".
If you think you of me as the latter, well then here's to you;

I'M SELFISH.

Now let me start off by saying... I don't think really think I am selfish for placing my son for adoption because even if no one else does, I KNOW how much I wanted to keep him for my own. I know how much I internally struggled to make the decision (and stick with it) to sign those relinquishment papers, and furthermore I know the heartbreak I felt in having to physically place him in an attorney's arms. I DID NOT place my son for adoption because I "wanted to live my own life" or I "wasn't responsible enough, and didn't want to deal with the lifelong responsibility." I did it for him, so he could have a loving home with two parents, and a family,
centered around Christ. (Which he is currently doing)

However for those women out there who are thinking of placing or have recently placed, let me tell you, there is life post-placement, life after death I'm going to call it. Because placing my son for adoption felt pretty similar to internally dying. I am going to admit I have gotten to live a life that had I chose to single parent (although I would have been happy with this decision), I never would have gotten to otherwise...

For me, a large part of it was being a Flight Attendant. In becoming a Flight Attendant a fewn months after Gavin's birth... I have made the best of my "life after death". I have gotten to travel to new places, meet new people, and explore a whole new world much like Aladdin and Jasmine did, just not on a magic carpet... on an airplane ha ha. I don't want this to be misconstrued with me placing my son for adoption because I wanted this life, but I have simply chosen to not let me decision be in vain, and take advantage of the opportunity and benefits I have also gained through making the SELFLESS decision I have.

My advice to you if you have placed is after you're done sitting in pitty (which I LOVE TO DO, and it's completely justified) make sure to make it count! Do things you wouldn't have been able to do had you actually been selfish .... Finish school, learn to paint, take dancing classes, sit around the house and do ABSOLUTELY nothing (Sorry Linds you aren't able to do this much ;) I shall babysit), travel, go on dates EVERY night, Whatever it is your little heart desires... do it for your child, but more importantly do it for yourself! You deserve a great life as well :)

Sincerely,
Joniece

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Update: Happily Ever After... For now.

2011-10-08T11:42:00.001-07:00

J < Gavin's birth father. (when he was 15/16)
A man who changed my life for the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful...

UPDATE: If you have followed any of my adoption from either myself or Mrs.R, you have known J and I have not had a should i say, good and healthy, relationship. We could not even have a conversation via telephone that wouldn't end in us screaming at each other, fighting with each other, and using our last efforts to make the other's life miserable.

Well.. I am happy to report.... J and I hung out. Now let's not get ahead of ourselves, he and I will never be best friends, nor do we talk on some daily basis, yet alone monthly basis. But we have made such a healthy step in improving out "birth parent" relationship. I was able to show him current pictures of Gav (which he enjoys seeing and pointing out resemblances), and we were able to talk and just share some common emotions, and have some conversations that I hold deep in my heart. He told me he will always care about me, and I him, and we spoke of our forgiveness of each other. Like I said, it's not like him and I are best friends nor really have a need to speak, but if we ever did/do I feel confident in saying it would be no problem for me to call him up and chat.

One day, I hope he can have some sort of relationship with the R's (not that they haven't extended the offer), but from what I get from him... he is not ready for a relationship yet, and as much as i'd like to, i can't force him. I just hope when he is ready... they still will be. For all of you who still have volatile relationships with the birth fathers of your children, I can only recommend you work on forgiving him of his wrong doings... not for him.... but for yourself.

Have a great day!

Joniece

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

2011-10-06T23:05:00.000-07:00

Above was just a short video to watch at my attempt to describe me being M.I.A (Missing in action), not sure it completely justified it, so I thought I would write a little somethin' somethin' to reiterate what I didn't capture.

I thought I hadn't written in about 3 months... Wrong, I hadn't written in about 5 (Oops). The reasons had varied from moving around (From Ohio to California to Texas, and ironically now writing this in Ohio again), to being just busy, a little lazy, but mostly... needing a break. Yes, sometimes I need a break from the adoption world. Not that I don't just love everyone involved, it's just as I have stated before I separate myself emotionally as my way of coping. And sometimes being involved with adoption can just be a wee bit overwhelming. I vowed to keep this blog full of truth and raw emotion, even if it wasn't always rainbows and butterflies. So here it goes...

I can't always nor do I want to think about adoption or Gavin or my emotions with the both. I would break. My perfect composure about the issue would shatter, and I may run the chance of bitterness, so rather than having it get to that point.. I just back up and give myself room, space, some time to think, and some time to enjoy and live the life I had decided to live rather than being a single parent. I recommend some breathing room for all birth parents (length dependent on each individual). Obviously if you are reading this, chances are you're a reader of Mrs. R's blog to, and you know they have gotten chose again (YAY). Before I start on my emotions (since i've been asked by a few people on how I have felt about it) let me just say that I am completely and utterly excited and happy for them, and for the new addition(s) to the fam. Now, let me tell you what I was feeling up until this point (if i can even explain it)...

Stand-offish maybe, withdrawn, hesitant, or all 3 combined... You have to understand that in the adoption world, having talked to young women who have found themselves in the same place I was 4 years ago, you know the hesitation and burst of emotions they are about to experience, and don't quite believe they can possibly know what they are really about to do yet. Combined with the experience of the scammer T.A. I honestly didn't know whether to believe it or not at first, I really did not want to get close with a new girl and talk to her about all these emotions and invest myself only for her to walk away (not that i wouldn't ever not be there for her if she needed), so I felt like this time around, I have to just be patient and get to know her as Nicole and I did each other. I also felt, weird, I mean i've seen and heard about the adoption experience (since my own), over and over again...but not with R family. I was the "baby" of the adoptions in the R house... Gav was the baby for 3 years, so to see the relationship we have with the R's happening with someone who wasn't Nic or I, had to take some getting used to. And in gettin used to that to be honest, I sort of pulled away from them. Not that OBVIOUSLY I don't love them, but like I said I just needed my space and time. I spoke to Nicole (T's birth mom about it) since she is my go-to girl about those sort of things, and she knew exactly what I was going through..ironically because when I was coming into the picture she felt the same way. Funny how those things happen.

I think in the adoption world on both sides (birth parents, and A parents), it is appropriate to need a breather, to take some time for ourselves to relax, to unwind, to process... mine and the R's relationship is pretty strong, healthy, and great and if it weren't for taking some time, combined with our communication and understanding.... I honestly don't think it would be where it is at today. I am eager and excited to share a lot more things with ya'll in the future! :) I promise to update more. Have a great day! * SEE SIDE NOT FOR NEW ADDITION below

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

*DEAR C, if you are reading this....
please don't mistake any of my emotions or words in this post for not being welcomed by Nicole or I. You most certainly are and we are BOTH so eager and excited to meet and get to know you. I'm sure overtime we will be as close as nic and I are and I hope you always know you have a friend in me and someone who you can vent to about anything!!!! welcome to the family! :)

Breaking the Heart.

2011-03-23T07:59:00.001-07:00

A picture of Gav taken from my cell phone a few weeks ago.

I think it safe to assume, placing your child for adoption is a true definition of heart break. It is not just an emotion, but rather a physical pain and hurt you get in your heart, you feel it all the way to your stomache, in every inch of your body you are in a state of pain.
At the time, it is unbearable. I would rather die a million deaths than feel that heart break to the extent that I did ( I say that now, when I haven't died one single death haha. But with every thorn there is a rose, I know that is not how the cliche saying goes, but that's how I want to think about it. Rather than having every positive thing, come with a negative thing, i'd much rather have the vice versa, that every negative is accompanied by a positive. At this point in my life life, the thorn was the heartbreak that I felt. The rose is knowing the definition and feeling of true love, and true heart ache.

There are many times in life we are hurt by what people around us do and say. There are times I have been dumped, left out, kicked out of something, pissed off, and had hurt feelings. Since I have placed, I have had my heart broken... but thanks to placement, I now know how to cope and deal with it better than I ever had prior, or than most people I know. I am stronger because of it. When I feel "heartbroken" now or hurt, I think of those days when I truly lost a part of me, a part of my heart. I remember how strong I was those days, and how eventually things got better. This gives me hope, hope for the present and for the future. When I compare any "heartbreak" I feel now a days, it does not hold a candle to placement day, and low & behold, I have survived. I will continue to survive, and grow, and learn, and love.

Those feelings around placement day are harsh ones, raw and sharp, but I am so greatful for them. I am so greatful I know what true heartbreak is. I am greatful I know what true love is. Thank you Gavin Lee, for humbling me in the most loving way.

May you always remember what true love and heartbreak are, cry, sulk, let it out, then realize no matter what or who the problem is... that life goes on. That you are a survivor, that you have done things that required more strength than you ever thought you had. Let that console you. Let that let you, let love in...

ADORE THIS SONG.
Goo goo dolls- Let love in.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

There is no ending in sight..

2011-03-10T20:09:00.000-08:00

As I am writing this, I am sitting in Mcarren Int'l airport in Las Vegas, NV. I have flown here from Salt lake city where I spent two wonderful days with my second family (The R's.) We got to discuss (in person) some different topics and situations in adoption, as we always do, and more specifically some recent events which kept us pretty amused. I was thinking about my blog, and thought about if it will ever come to an end... If I will ever write a "the end" post. I answered myself with a swift "NO Joniece!" (Yes I do talk to myself haha). The thing about being a birth mom is your journey NEVER ends. The story only progresses, the chapters change, the characters grow, more situations arise, and more memories are made. After talking about birth moms and my feeling towards their preparation leading to placement. I began to realize how far I have come...

It will be THREE years in 5 months...3 years since my heart was broken, 3 years since I was on a plane sobbing, three years since I thought my life wouldn't go on, and I would cry every day of my life, 3 years since I did the hardest thing I HAVE EVER DONE, and three years since I made the best life changing decision I could have made. I wrote a letter to a birth mom who had placed recently, and gave her my UNSOLICITED advice. I know I shouldn't have, but I felt compelled to, and well I just couldn't resist. This said birth mother was very upset and bitter about her decision. She missed her child. She did want people to call her amazing or tell her she was brave. She questioned her decision. While part of me (not proudly) wanted to tell her that she made the best decision, and she should be happy... I realized she wasn't at the same point in her jouney that I was. So instead, i told her BE BITTER, BE UNHAPPY, cry about it, don't talk to anyone if you don't want to, miss him, think about him, and grieve the way you need to. No one would could ever blame a birth mom for doing any of that. I then told her, but I know her heart is breaking right now, but from "the other side", from a couple years ahead of her, I can honestly say it does get better! You never stop thinking about them or missing him, but you learn to go about your daily life without feeling life half of you is missing, and you wouldn't even get out of bed if someone yelled "fire!".

The point is, whether you are a birth mom or not, there is not just one chapter to our Journies. There are multiple chapters, it is a chapter book, that may very well have no ending until death. I myself have only lived but a few of my own story. My life has changed drastically since August 29, 2008 (Gavin's birth date). My relationship with the R's, with him, and with my own family has changed drastically. Eventually my life will change again, my relationship with Gavin, my relationship with the R's, and with my own family... There will be a new chapter in this adventure, and in an attempt to be overly optimistic, I will say I look forward to it, and I pray I will embrace it the way I have these last few. Eventually I will get married and have my own children, and life will differ tremedously from what it is now, but that will only provide me with a different perspective on the life changing decision I made at 19 years old. Afterall, as my heading says, this is my journey. This is my journey as Joniece, this is my journey as birth mom. No matter what I am to anyone else whether it be a wife, sister in law, mother, cousin in law in my life... I will forever be the birth mother of Gavin Lee as well.

May you recognize the great memories you have had in your own chapters, forgiven yourself and others for the times that weren't great, and embrace the ones that are to come. The only thing that is constant is change, and whether it be good or bad, it is a part of your story. A story you should be proud of.

"Gavin lee, i am proud to be your birth mama, and i love you so much!"

In tradition which I have failed, this song has always been one of my favorites since I was a pre-teen. I feel as though it has always given me a feeling of being alive, and seizing the day. It is called " The adventure." ENJOY :)

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Adoption not the option?

2011-03-07T17:22:00.000-08:00

The other day I got a touching e-mail from a woman. She was so sweet, and she had explained to me that she had not chose adoption, but rather decided to parent. Having chose adoption myself, and being an adoption advocate, some may think that I am rather bias towards that decision. And in a way... I won't necesssarily say they are wrong, HOWEVER I have always stood by my opinion that adoption is not always the option..for everyone.

Adoption is a great choice! Many ladies as well as myself who have made that decision will rave about how great it is... now.. a few months/years later down the road after the raw emotions of placement have subsided. And minus some certain circumstances would probably recommend ( NOT Push) that option to any young mother out of wedlock. HOWEVERRRRRR... there are other situations, where the mother decides to parent, and they do an amazing job. I would never say the choice they made was wrong for them. They made their choice out of love as well, just a different one than mine.

I want to briefly talk about a girl I grew up with. I have known her since 5th grade, she got pregnant when we were seniors in high school. I judged her, very harshly, way too harshly than I had any right to. For it wasn't long after that I found myself in the same situation. She was not married, and was on and off with her boyfriend at the time. Fast forward 4 years down the road, she is married to that same boyfriend (happily it seems), she has a very good job, has bought a nice house, has an adorable almost 4 year old son, and another baby on the way. She is the prime example of what I hope every teenage girl,who decides to parent, becomes and the life I would hope they have. For her, adoption was not the best choice. I completely commend her on the hard work, dedication, and sacrifice she has made and continues to make on a daily basis.

There are however, the cases where I think adoption is the best option for the child. If the child is in danger especially, and more importantly if the birth mother deems it is what she wants for her child, then by golly, it is definitely the right decision.

At the end of the day, stereotypes say woman who parent can tell a birth-mom that she took the easy way out, that she was being selfish, and should have dealt with her choice (But don't ever tell me this because I will probably freak out on you!haha). Birth moms can tell women who decide to parent, that they are the ones being selfish, they are irresponsible, and that the child will most likely end up suffering. I want to end those stereotypes here. A mother is a mother is a mother. Minus the few exceptions (of people who really don't deserve to be mother, like abusive ones), we really aren't all that different. We did what we were supposed to do for our child, sacrifice and LOVE.

So today on this birthmom blog, i choose to commend women who did not place, but rather those who were brave in a different way and took on the crazy challenge of raising a child! You are also so amazing :) And we are so proud of you for your hard work.

I know parenting at a young age may be hard, but from what I hear, it is still just as amazing as if you were 30 years old or older. Never take for granted all the days you get to spend with your little one, never forget to tell them you love them, never forget that all your tears, and all your hardwork is for that very special child. Never forget you have support! And at the end of the day when you want to scream your head off, and cry, and sleep, or all at the same time, what a priviledge you have!

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Family is family.. adopted or not.

2011-02-25T15:38:00.001-08:00

As you may have seen or read already, I would like to bring to the attention this blogger "Jane Edwards". I usually am a fairly opinionated individual. I understand everyone is unique and have their own opinions, and especially in something like as emotion invested as adoption I usually let people express theirs very openly, holding my critisism. That is until they make ill informed judgemental excerpts about my family (or I think their opinion is way too ridiculous to not say something haha). And in this case my family was not blood, nor adopted, JUST FAMILY. So rather than holding my tongue like normally, I did decide to infact leave a comment, not just to vent about her ridiculous nonsense (not speaking about her opinion, but rather other paragraphs), but really to show her that adoption IS ABOUT LOVE. Not just the love for the child, but the love we have for eachother from parents to birth parents. We are a family, and we stick up for eachother and defend eachother when need be. As I assumed, she did not approve my comment to be read on her blog, so I decided to post in on mine. I love my family..every single one of them :)

In response to this post:
READ HERE
Dear Ms. Edwards,
Obviously as you have stated above, it is your choice whether to publish this comment or not. Frankly I do not care either way. I am Mrs. R's son's birth mother. I know and completely understand what the Bill HB 2904 states, and am not naive on the emotions, ordeals, and hardships that come along with "hasty surrenders". My opinion nor yours is what I am actually choosing to address. I'm addressing your opinionated writings about Mrs.R. From what I have read in the way you describe "baby hungry" adoption couples, you hold some feelings of either resentment or bitterness, and if that is how you feel, it is fair. I'm sure there are adoptive couples that exsist who do not care if they "get the next baby in line". However my son's mother is not one of those. Nor is it any of yours or your reader's right to write your ill opinionated excerpts about our adoption, especially making her sound like a bad person for "adopting against the will of the natural father". Because in all honesty if you would have known the situation you would have known that he was both emotionally and physically abusive to me during my pregnancy, and that him and his family were infact unfit for my son to be raised there. So if you would like to blame anyone for proceeding with this adotion against the will of the natural father, blame me, the birth mother, not Mrs.R. The birth mother who's rights you are infact trying to protect by supporting this bill. I do not know you personally, I do not know your own personal adoption story so my point is this, Mrs. R is very supported and loved by both her son's birth mothers. There is no one who is more supportive and who advocates on our behalf. We are a family, and this is what families do. Adopted or not. I hope you no longer portray her in such manner, because not only are you insulting her you are insulting me, and that I do not take lightly. Have a good day Ms.Edwards.

Joniece

I just don't know..

2011-02-13T17:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in life we just don't know...

That is a hard thing for stubborn people life myself to accept. You don't know who what where when or why... The uncertainty at times is almost unbearable. What you don't know won't hurt you, but it will drive you crazy. Or maybe it is just me haha. Pictured above is my friend Stefanie and I. She is a birth mother as well, and a fellow blogger (check her out here). To be honest, she and I were totally "internet friends" before out "real life date" at the R house. But she is just as awesome either way!! Needless to say, the thing we have most in common is placing, the pain, the selfless love, the experience.

Many women have this experience.
I can't tell you how much uncertainty comes with placing (for both parties involved). One can never know just how much it is going to hurt, or what they are about to do it is until they sign those papers, and lay their child into another loving couple's arms. They can't know just how much or how long it is going to hurt, the pain seems like it will never heal at first, that is until they finally don't cry themselves to sleep at night and see their child happy and smiling. We didn't know any of this. But still, we did it. Call it faith, hope, and love..or all 3!

I'm not really sure what the objective of this blog post is, it's more what has been on my mind lately.. and it may not be the clearest so for that I apologize. But my main point is this (GET TO IT ALREADY right haha), After the trial comes the blessings, and faith makes things possible.. not easy.

I'm not just talking about adoption. I am talking about life. There are many times in life we have to do things and/or things happen to us that are out of our control and we don't know why. We may not know why for days, years, or even forever. But that is the greatest test of faith...the greatest test of hope... and the greatest test of love to bare humanly possible.

May you have the faith, love and hope to endure all that pass in your life.
For I promise, that the hardest trials, have the greatest blessings.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

FAQ's for yours truly.

2011-01-29T16:17:00.000-08:00

Surprise surprise if you google my name, a link to this blog appears. Still many people do not know about me having a) been pregnant or b) placed for adoption. If we are facebook friends, you will see no trace of me being a birth mother and although it is something i am very proud of, i choose to have it this way. I tell my story all the time, but at least I still have a little control (call me a control freak haha). And well I thought I would address some frequently asked questions. Please feel free to leave any in the comments or email me. I try to be tactful while being EXTREMELY honest because in such an emotional experience like adoption I think it is important we never supress these raw feelings we have. So here it goes...

1. How could you have done that?
Well I took a pen and signed the dotted line. Haha okay so execuse my temporarily dry sense of humor, now to be truthful... I did it because I loved my son a million times more than my own longings of wanting to parent him. I knew from even before he was concieved what kind of life I wanted my children to have, and just because he was born out of wedlock did not make him an exception. It was thee hardest thing I will ever do in my life and no i would never want to experience that sense of loss again... but out of my love for him, if i had to go back and re-do it, i would.

2. Do you ever want to try and "get him back"?
This is I think where adoption gets fuzzy for some people. I did not place him in temporary custody of family memebers and or a care taker. I chose parents for him and a family that I knew would be amazing. I knew when I signed those relinquishment papers I was doing just that, relinquishing my rights to call myself his mom. And although it was hard at first, I am okay with it now and at peace. It's not that I don't wish I could see him a lot more ( due to my schedule, etc), and miss him, but I placed him exactly where he was meant to be and I would never dream of taking him away from that.

3. Do you ever get to see him?
Yes skype, in person, on the phone, in pictures. I would not have it any other way. There was a time where I wasn't sure if I could "handle" an open adoption, but now I believe that having an open adoption was crucial and essential in my healing process.

4.What do you want him to call you?
Joniece. I define "mother" as so much more than just birthing, and although I am a birth-mom. Lindsey has clearly earned the right to be mommmy and I couldn't hold a candle to her in that aspect. One day though, i will be mommy to a few rascals ;).

5. Is it akward or offensive to be called "birth mom"?
Hmmmm. Well to be honest, in an adoption setting or discussing adoption topics not at all. Elsewhere? yes, sometimes it could be a little akward. But never offensive.

6.Do you want to have another baby to compensate for your loss?
Ummm no. haha. To be honest right after Gavin was born I didn't want babies until I was like 30. Some may feel as though having a baby short afterwards will aide in their healing and grieving for their loss. I did not. On the contrary, it made me realize I wasn't ready for a baby, and/or engaging in baby-producing activities. However it has been almost 3 years, and i'm happy to say I'm ready when it's time :)

7.Do you remind yourself of Juno?
Umm absolutely NOT. I could not even watch that full movie, it was so ridiculous. And I guess the conclusion or productive answer I could give you is every adoption is different, despite similarities. EVERY ADOPTION.

8.How did your family feel?
Hurt, obviously. I mean this was too their blood line. But all in all they supported me and loved me no matter what I wanted to do and they love him to death!

9.How could you do that to his birth father (ahh my favorite question)?
I didn't do anything "to his birth father". I did the best thing I could for Gavin. It was never about making his b-dad pay, or about revenge. It was about the sacrifice I had to make for my little boy in order to ensure his happiness and the best life he could have. And no one really, no matter who it was, was going to get in my way of that. That is how I look at it.

There's just some random frequently asked questions I get. Like I stated earlier if you have any really personal or just generalized questions please don't ever hesitate to ask. I am an open book.

Have a good day.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

What of, could of, should of..

2011-01-13T16:27:00.000-08:00

After reading Mrs. R's awesome interview today (If you haven't read it GO NOW!) I started thinking about the experience of that particular birth mother that interviewed her. Which if you must know one thing about me, it is that I have leading thoughts CONSTANTLY (one thing always leads to another haha). So after thinking about her experience, I was thinking of how one (an expectant mother) could prevent choosing an adoptive couple that would go back on their word.

When I was pregnant with Gavin the deal was this, "If I was going to do it, it would be with the Redferns, because I knew what kind of life he would have." I was fortunate enough to have already known half of the family before I even placed. I knew everything was going to be okay and that some how whether through them or my best friend (Mr.R's younger brother) I would be assured of this. It is definitely a different experience I have than say Tyson's birth mom. I wouldn't say that either of mine or Nicole's relationship with the R's is more important...but I would say it is different.

So here is my thought process... Would I have gone through with it if it wasn't them?

I can't say for sure. I wasn't faced with that scenario. But even if I may get condemned for this in some way or another (haha), I probably would say No I wouldn't have. SHOCKER, I know and it's not that I don't think adoption was the best option in my situation irreguardless. But I wouldn't have had the same sureness, the same confidence in my decision of the life I wanted for Gav. And with that, I don't think I would have been strong enough to place. Without the confidence I already had in the R's and the life they would provide, there would be no way I would have convinced myself that I was not a better option. Out of selfishness of course. I could never back out on my decision as much as I may have momentarily wanted to in placing because I knew the alternative what was he deserved.I think that's the hardest part is the moment of realization that they deserve more than you. He deserved a family and so much more than I could have ever given him. And I was sure he was going to get that with the R's before he even came into this world.

I commend and have a lot of respect for women who a) have to go through the process of looking at profiles and choose a couple and b) having to place without truly knowing what the outcome will be. Because like I just stated, I'm not sure I would have gone through with the adoption option (without trying to rhyme) if I did not have the sureness of it. And that is exactly why I am thankful for the R's. I'm thankful for the relationship I had prior. It is only more confirmation they were meant to be the parents to my little boy. God knew, he had a plan.

I know my relationship with the R's may change some through out the years, and I have no idea how. I know my life will get busier when I get married and have children, as will theirs as the boys start to get older, busier, and more mischevious (wink wink), but I know we will never stop loving eachother. I know we will never stop respecting eachother. AND I KNOW my son will never go without the parenting and life he deserved.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

2011-01-12T21:15:00.000-08:00

Let's face it...
There are some days where I am all alone, in my car driving, and I look into my rear view mirror to try and picture a car seat with Gavin staring back at me. There are some days where I lay on my sofa, and picture a surplus of toys in my living room with a toddler cuddling with me. Eventhough I consider myself at peace with my decision, EVEN I HAVE THESE DAYS TOO. They usually don't envoke tears though, just a simple smile. Last night I did the no-no for a birthmom, watched TEEN MOM 2 haha. Man some of those girls are ridiculous. And well I cried... why? Maybe because deep down I was a little jealous. Deep down I knew I could be a million times better mom than some of them, and maybe I was angry. I was angry that they were abusing the privilege of being a mother, that they were putting other priorities infront of their children... and most of all that they hadn't thought of their children's lives and futures before their own.

We all have these days. They are completely normal. But then we shake it off and remember what a wonderful thing we did for our babies! If anything I should thank these dysfunctional mothers. Thank you for reminding me what and why I made the decision I did, and what a miracle I gave to my child by placing him.

love,
Joniece

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Time is a Crime.

2011-01-05T14:05:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer Notice: This law does vary among state. This is soley my opinion I am expressing, and would not even go so far as to say it is a generalized across the board opinion for birth moms.

So shall we begin?
If you are a birth mother guaranteed you have seen one of these in some form or another. It is a relinquishment form. The form that contains the signature that will seal your baby's future forever. The form that has the ability to cause so much joy and heartbreak at the same time. The form that will change YOUR life forever...
In different states, depending on the law, some have time frames where after the birth mother signs this form... they are allowed to change their mind. To veto their decision they have made for their child and to "reclaim" their rights to the child.

I AM NOT IN FAVOR, NOR DO I AGEE WITH THIS.

I signed my form in Utah. I had no grace period to change my mind. I would not have had it any other way. Because point blank, if I had the choice to change my mind (especially me! haha), I can't say for sure but my guess would be, I would have.

And not because I thought it was the wrong choice to place, but rather, because my heart was breaking. I was in pain, and that would have been the quick and easy remedy to mend my torn- apart heart.

I don't want to come across as heartless, I understand the reasoning behind this law and in special exempt circumstances I feel it could be a good thing. But to generalize such a choice in a decision as big as placing, is pure torture. To break up what i'm trying to say...
First- we are going to ask you as you're in physical and emotional pain and feel like dying to sign the right away to call yourself mommy.
THEN- we are going to give you 2 days (depending on state) to contemplate the sacrifice you just made for you and your child, second guess and question yourself, and rack your brain about whether or not you were really serious and committed to this.

That is how I see it.
It would have been an internal AND external conflict that would have tortured my mind and heart. As much as my heart was breaking, I was 1000% sure at THE TIME I SIGNED, that this was my right decision, and even now when people encourage me to question it, I am rather annoyed. I was sure. I am sure. And I didn't need 48 hours or almost 3 years now to know I made the best decision I could.

*I encourage you if you are a potential birth mom to research the relinquishment laws in your state you are planning on placing in, and do what is best for you.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

SIXTEEN & RIDICULOUS

2010-12-28T17:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, here goes a short venting session.. prepare yourselves.

I don't even know why I watch this heinous show, yes I did say heinous! haha. I think it's rather ridiculous and sends the opposite message of which they were shooting for. Rather than "Hey, don't have unprotected sex as a teen and get pregnant, it SUCKS?", they send the non-verbal message of " Hey get pregnant at 16, and become FAMOUS." This is nonsense, not to mention, why do they have to have multiple seasons.. CLEARLY YOUR SHOW IS NOT WORKING MTV.
Okay so sorry, here is the real point.. haha... I am watching the season finale nd it's about adoption. Needless to say I have only gotten about 1/3 through the episode, but so far, i have mixed emotions.

I AM SO EXCITED she is considering adoption, however my emotions are wishing she knew and others knew just exactly what it was going to be like. There is no way to prepare a birth mother for the sacrifice she is about to make, but I think there are realistic expectations. Every adoption is different and I understand this, and I commend her adoption agent on telling her it will be the hardest thing she will ever do. But given her simple nod, I am not convinced she understands... so let me repeat it. Placing your child for adoption is " THEE HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO!"

Imagine for me with a moment, getting your heart ripped out of you, and watching someone stomp on it continously, all the while feeling like your getting kicked in the stomach needing to vomit, and then being overcome with OCEANS of tears... < that is my best physical description.

Also my next post will be about the fact that i DO NOT support "changing mind time" after papers are signed but that will be a different post.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

TACKLING the debate. SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE.

2010-12-13T14:11:00.000-08:00

There is a huge debate in our society on whether or not Sex Before Marriage is right or wrong. Many people have different opinions, views, and experiences... It is a pretty controversial subject, but think I am quite qualified ( regarding the subject of this blog) to voice mine... Granted keep in mind that all of my opinion comes from MY experiences, MY observations, and MY life. So here we go...

Do I think sex before marriage is wrong? YES I most certainly do.

Did I engage in intercourse before marriage? Yes I did. (and there is an adorable little boy because of it)

Am I a hypocrite for saying do as I say not as I DID? In this case, NO.

The opinion that sex before marriage is wrong, a lot of people would agree, stems from religion. It is commanded that we not engage in sex before our marital union. Having been previously catholic and converted to LDS, both religions agree on the fact that sex was an experience that is meant to be saved for a husband and wife. To a) Get to know them and connect on such a deeper and more intimate level than any other experience. b) sex is a way to procreate, that the love in a marital union is so strong they want to create and bare a child. It is meant to be saved as a gift for your spouse, what more can you give the one you love than yourself, untouched by anyone or anything but them? It is such a selfless concept as well as a self-loving one. This I completely 100% agree with. I say up top that I am not a hypocrite because I have learned from my mistakes, from my sins, and am staying true to my covenant with god to not engage in those activities with anyone but my husband. ( When I have one haha)

But for teens/ young adults in our society today that may be too "Old school". So let me address them for a moment by first saying " I HAVE BEEN THERE! trust me." I understand what you are going through, I understand the "love" you may or may not feel for the person you are considering giving yourself to. I was with Jordan for 3 years off and on, we were young, I WAS naive ( despite what some people may think), no I was not naive about sex, and what could come of it, but I was naive to think that this was true love, unconditional love, that I was mature and strong, and old enough to experience such an intense thing. To be honest, I justified having sex before marriage with Jordan because I thought he was it, I thought we were destined to be together because of the all the time we had put in it. Despite the fact that our relationship had fallen apart countless times, it was all okay, because I "Loved" him. Well let me tell you the reality of that situation... We were young, and were naive, couldn't possibly comprehend what was going to come out of this "experience", and surprise surprise are no longer together. I am not saying Jordan did not care about me when this happened, but I am saying where religion ties in and differs, he COULD NOT care about like a husband, he could NOT love me unconditionally like my husband who committs to life and eternity with me, and in the end, we could NOT be a functional family even if we tried. The order, whether one is religious or not, is there for a purpose. Marriage then a baby, is there to protect us, to guide us, and to make our life so much richer. Think about it? Think about all the women who do have babies before marriage ( a lot of them single mothers), and think about how HARD their lives are. I can't honestly say I know any women, who have engaged in sex before marriage, EVEN if they got married after they got pregnant, are not struggling, and have not had to go through some great ORDEALs.

In Houston, I used to go to the local school districts and speak to health classes about Dating violence, and after telling my story, the head of school education for the Women's center wanted me to speak about teen pregnancy. I typically had boys and girls in my classes and would ask them questions to get them involved too. One question I asked everyone (this was high school mind you), "How many of you have serious boyfriends and girlfriends that you love?" ( The majority of them typically raised their hands) Then I asked, "Okay ladies, how many of you have been at least asked to engage in either sexting, or certain other activities of the same nature at any point during your high school years?" (The majority of them raised their hand), Then I asked, " SO guys... How many of you know 100% for sure you love your girlfriend so much you want to marry her and know you want to spend the rest of your life with her?" ( HARDLY if ANY raised their hands). Point Proven.

[However if you are a teen reading this and by any chance are thinking or already engaging in sexual activity, PLEASE USE PROTECTION. You do not want to have to make THEE hardest decision of your life. Please love and respect yourselves :)]

Telling of a transgression

2010-11-18T15:44:00.000-08:00

Overall birth moms will find a way, the way that is right for them.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

My guardian Angel ( and my bFFFL)

2010-11-17T21:47:00.000-08:00

Christopher R. (Brother to Mr. and Mrs. R)

Bestfriend to me :)

HE IS HOME FROM HIS MISSION!

How great is that?! I flew and saw him two days after he got home from Mehico. Man I missed that kid! Two years is a long time. He did some amazing self-less work, but I think we were all ready for him to come home haha! Neway, Explanation on the picture.. it was taken November hmm 7th? I think. And out of all the picture I chose this one, not just because it is hilarious, but it was a representation of how I feel about him and this is why...

No matter what situation I've gotten myself into (since I was 11), no matter what hardship or tribulation I was going through, Chris has been right there besides me. Great represenation is it not?

Neway... here is me getting on with my point. If you know about me.. you know about Chris. I'm kind of known for raving about my best friend, but never to him ( I wouldn't want it to go to his EGO lol). Yesterday I had the lovely pleasure of meeting up with his father who was in Ohio for business and he got to come to my lesson ( Y THE WAY, I'm converting to mormonism, but that's a different post), and then we went to dinner. Ponch (chris's dad), and I have always been able to sit down and talk, and this time was no exception. We talked a lot about Gavin and the adoption, etc. and I have to say the only time I got teary eyed was talking about Chris. Most people know how much he means to me, and what he's done for me... but not really HOW MUCH.

Long before Gavin was even in the picture, he helped me through some of thee hardest times of my life, and they probably always will be (eventhough they happened in my latter pre teen days), they were dark days to say the least and I fully credit him for the catalyst of change. To ponch, I was recounting the very first days of my pregnancy... We all know, I had momentarily (stress momentarily) wanted to get an abortion... and LET ME TELL YOU.. I was pretty dang set on it. I would sit there holding my non-showing tummy, talking to my unborn child, crying and apologizing for my future decision. Then I told Chris what had happened. And he did NOT react in the way I thought he would. Normally he was known for chewing me out (for my dumb decisions) for a good few hours haha, but this time was different. This time he was calm, and comforting..and somehow knew exactly what to say. He reminded me of his love for me, and loyalty to our friendship, and just asked me to pray about it before I did. I did pray. I asked heavenly father for a sign, or answer... and sure enough thee NEXT day I had a complete 180. There was absolutely no way I would have an abortion, although at the time I sure wasn't decided on anything else. So really when I talk about him being amazing... I mean AMAZING. If I said any other friend has ever been there more for me in my life... I'd be lying. Josh and Linds and your whole family are appreciative of you, and I am so appreciative of you! I am the luckiest BFF in the world! I love you bro.

*Quick funny story... Personal Revelation (hahaha) When I was 12 YEARS OLD, I told Chris.. my first son's middle name will be the same as yours...

>Christopher Lee > Gavin Lee..... And there you have it folks... his name will live on forever.. okay well maybe not forever but at least we got another 80 years, unless that is we can convince Gav to name his first son's middle name Lee... hmm Let's not talk about Gav having kids.. it's scary.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

The truth

2010-11-16T08:06:00.000-08:00

So I just got done reading this article from msn.com, it's about parenting, BUT before you click on it out of curiosity PLEASE KNOW: I 100% disagree with this article.

http://www.slate.com/id/2274721/?gt1=38001

Reading this article got my noodle going... and I had one of my MANY random thoughts, that I was just so lucky to have enough time to post. It is about the irony of life, that isn't really much irony at all ( in the end).

The moment I found out I was pregnant I was devastated, let's just say the actual moment I found out wasn't one of the greatest in my life, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to just "get rid of the problem" (please note I didn't feel that way for long). Here I was 18 years old in college, on my way to my adulthood life. That was the Last thing I wanted... I honestly at that moment in time, would have given anything to not have THAT reality as my reality. But I went through the 9 months, and delivered Gav into the world. Then I didn't want THAT reality to be my reality, that I was relinquishing the rights to call myself mother, that I wouldn't see his "firsts" and be there to tuck him in every night. How ironic right? The one thing I wanted to "go away" so badly at one point was now the one thing i wanted to stay with me forever!

For those of you who don't know me... After my labor and delivery, about a week later, I got extremely sick. My doctor (oh dr.), had left some tissue in me (after they push it out of you) and it had gotten infected. I woke up with a fever and couldn't even move without hurting. I went to the emergency room (which i hate because im an impatient person haha), and sat there for about 6-7 hours. They didn't know what was wrong with me until they did an ultrasound and found the source of the problem. The doctors told me I was going to have surgery that next morning (it was now night time), I had to have a D&C.

D and C is a procedure to scrape and collect the tissue (endometrium) from inside the uterus.

•Dilation ("D") is a widening of the cervix to allow instruments into the uterus.
•Curettage ("C") is the scraping of the walls of the uterus.

The only thing I had heard of a D & C at the time, was it was how associated with abortions and miscarriages. The doctors told me the one thing I did NOT want to hear 4 days after placing my Gavin.... I may not be able to have children again..

As you can imagine, I WAS FREAKING OUT, practically hysterical! Luckily my father called my aunt who is a nurse, and she informed me that it was very unlikely that that would happen. She calmed me down. Thank goodness.

haha

But here it is again.... Just 10 months later, after freaking out having one of the "worse" moments of my life in finding out I was pregnant out of wedlock and only 18, I was FREAKING OUT that I would NOT be able to find out I was pregnant again. Haha oh the irony.

But in the end, none of it was irony. I was meant to birth Gavin into the world. The R's were meant to be amazing parents to my little Gav. It wasn't ironic, it was a plan made out of love.

ULTIMATELY.... 3 years later I can say that I CANNOT WAIT until I get to find out I am pregnant again (AFTER I'm MARRIED which hopefully is sometime soon ;) ) , and have one of the worse moments in my life also be one of the best moments in my life!

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Taking him home.

2010-11-15T14:32:00.000-08:00

Gavin Lee & I (October 2010)

On the day of August 29, 2010, the original plan was to place Gavin with the R's before leaving the hospital. I had fully intended on executing this plan, right up until I held Gav for the first time...

But, I couldn't do it. I wasn't strong enough at that time. I couldn't let him go just yet.

I wanted to kiss him more, I wanted to hold him more, I just in general wanted more...

I know this scared Lindsey and Josh. I know this would scare a lot of eagerly awaiting parents. Statistics show that when birthmothers decide to take the child home, the chance of them actually placing goes down. This was not the case for me. And I'm glad Lindsey and Josh held onto even the tiny bit of hope they did.

I can't honestly tell you that my intentions were to not place, because that time was very confusing for me I don't exactly remember all what was going through my mind. I just remember wanting more time with him... I needed it for me to be okay.

I know in that situation a lot of people would have lost hope, but I want to share my side of that decision...

I spent 2 days in the hospital and on the third day I was being released. I was going to have the R's take Gavin home that day. But I was dying inside... emotionally dying that is. I didn't know what I was going to do, or what the next few days would bring... I just knew it wasn't time yet. I told my mom to tell Lindsey and Josh that I wanted to take him home for a couple of days. I'm sure that was not what they wanted to hear ( I love you guys), and therefore I couldn't even bring myself to call them and tell them. I was finally released from the hospital that evening, I drove home (eventhough I wasn't technically supposed to) because my poor mama had no idea where she was going, and I'm a stubborn individual (haha). We took him home and that night I sat on the sofa and held him ALL night, changed his diaper, sang to him, fed him, and kissed on him. I couldn't talk to Josh and Lindsey those couple of days, not because I didn't want to, but because I was confused, and emotional (I tend to not be a very openly emotional person). The next day my mom and I went to walmart with Gavin (next post pregnancy I'm NOT GOING ANYWHERE, i was exhausted hahaha). Everyone commented on how beautiful he was, and indeed Gavin Lee was gorgeous! My dad came into town, and for the first time in a LONG time my mom, dad, and I were spending time together (my parents are divorced) in this small apartment loving on Gavin. It was because of these few days that I was able to place Gavin on the 2nd of September.

I know that may sound wierd. I know that most people believe that birthmothers only get more attatched to their children, and therefore decide not to place. But for me... that was not the case. I just needed more time to say "goodbye." And I got that time, and I am SOOO THANKFUL for that time I had with him. I know my parents and I hold those first days of his life in a very special place in our hearts forever. Those few days only strengthened my love for him, and more importantly, my feeling to give him THE BEST. I love you Gavin Lee.

*Note to Mr. and Mrs. R,

I know that wasn't an easy time for you, but thank you for baring with me and providing me with as much support as you could. Thank you for being strong and keeping faith during that time. Thank you for being amazing parents to Gavin, and amazing friends to me. I love you guys!

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

DNA doesn't make a father, a father makes a father.

2010-11-11T09:51:00.000-08:00

Joshua R. ( Aka: Mr.R)

The older brother of my best friend, and the father of my little boy.

Josh and I have a unique relationship, much like that of Mrs.R and I, but sometimes even more so. Sometimes I don't think I give him enough credit for what an incredible father he is to these two adorable boys. The other day Josh texted me, thanking me for making him a father. It was so appreciated, but to me, I didn't make him a father. Yes, I did place my trust in the R's, in Josh to raise and love Gavin. But ultimately it would be his choice. Josh chose to be an amazing father to Gav and Tys. When I see him (whether in person or on skype) playing with the boys, letting them climb all over his head and face, reading to them, and never loosing his temper, nothing makes me happier than the choice I made placing Gav as his son. Thank you Josh, thank you for being the very father I had wished for him since Day 1. Your whole family is proud of you, and I am proud of you. I hope you never forget how much your actions and love for Gavin are appreciated.

-joniece

Ps. This adoption post every month has been an epic failure for me :( unfortunately being a flight attendant again, means crazy busy lifestyle.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

As long as I'm living my baby you'll be, ( adoption month post 1, i'm late :/)

2010-11-04T19:37:00.001-07:00

I got to see my favorite boy about two weeks ago, my baby boy, Gavin Lee. I hadn't seen him in over a year, and it was a very special visit for me. My eyes lit up with love and joy to see him so happy, SO adorable, and so BIG. I am so lucky and thankful I have Mr. and Mrs. R in my life and am blessed with our relationship and that I am able to see him. As happy as I was to see Gavin ( AND THE WHOLE GANG), this visit was , for me, a little bit harder than the rest.

You see Gavin is at that age now. The age where he clings only to his parents (for good reason haha), and at that age where he is getting a little defiant haha, and independent shall we say. I didn't take any of this personally at all, for it isn't. To be honest, it wasn't until my own memory (one of those i try to push down inside and not think about) came to me. Gavin and I were sitting on the sofa together I was watching him pretend to sleep with his little bear.

This is a picture that I took on my phone, Gav with his little bear, and blanket. When I was watching him play, I looked into his eyes. Those eyes that were so familiar to me, the eyes I stared into for what seemed like forever on August 29, 2008. And that is when inside I lost it. I remembered the night Gavin was first born... I woke up in the middle of the night and asked the nurse to bring Gavin to me ( I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could). She did as I had asked. My mom was asleep in the rocking chair next to my bed. All the lights were off, the room was only lit by the light of the moon. I remember it seemed like a spot light was shining down on Gav and I. And all I did for about 20 minutes was sit there, cry, talk and kiss Gav, and cry some more. I was whispering to Gavin, I told him one day he would understand why I had to make the decision I was making. I told him I loved him long before he came to see us, and even more since the second he was born. I told him I will ALWAYS love him, miss him, and think about him everyday. I told him he will Always be my baby boy. Forever. I just remember feeling like he understood. He was looking up at me with the most loving look on his face, with those big brown eyes staring into mine, looking past my face into my heart. The same eyes I stared at some two weeks ago.

The more and more I see him grow the more and more I know he is still understanding. Even if he may not know he is doing it. His happiness, the laughter, the smiling, are all confirmation he is on the right path to understanding what kind of life I wanted him to have. And what on that day, I made that tough decision for his good, rather than my own. But my promise to Gavin Lee will never fail.

" I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as i'm living my baby boy you'll be."

I love you Gavin Lee.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Freak of Nature? haha

2010-09-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

My FAVORITE picture of all time of me and Linds (aka; Mrs.R)

So would it be wierd to admit that sometimes I go onto adoption websites and look at couple's profiles? They ALL seem like wonderful people, but when it comes down to it, there was NO other family for my gav than The Wheatley-Redfern one. When I explain my situation that occured two years ago (which now is usually at least once a day) I always make sure to add that given the circumstances, it couldn't have turned out better, and that I am very blessed. I'm fortunate that I didn't have to stare at profiles all day making that grueling decision of who to choose, because from day one I already knew hence why I told my bff Chris (aka: Mrs. R's brother-in-law that if I was going to do it, his family would be the only one).

The bond Mrs. R and I have is like none you could compare. It's an empathetic love in my opinion. One that is not shared between many women in the world. It's a love for the same child, but more so a love and appreciation for eachother. Most people are amazed at our relationship, and eventhough i want to ask "well why? it's completely normal to us." haha I do understand that it may baffle the minds of others. But that's just it, our love makes this whole thing NORMAL in a completely sad, happy, sometimes, chaotic, abnormal, and beautiful situation!

I love you Mrs. R, thank you for being my BFF (other than your bro-in-law of course ;) haha) and more importantly, thank you for being a wonderful mother to two boys i love!

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

When a tornado meets a volcano

2010-09-08T16:17:00.000-07:00

I did a screen shot of this a good 4 years ago... I'm not sure why I did, but I have had it in my photobucket account since then. This is from Gavin's birth father, my ex boyfriend of 3 years off and on starting in my mid-teens. It is so crazy to think how much has happened between him and I since 2005 (when we first met). It was a beautiful painful messy roller coaster.
I think I'm writing this more for me, than as an educational or opinionated posts for others.

No male to this point has played such a huge part in my life besides him. I've hated him with everything I've had, and I've loved him like there was going to be no tomorrow. He is the biological father of the child I have birthed. He helped create thee most special person in my life, and no matter how much I have tried in the past, if for no other reason, I cannot hate him because of it. We had not spoken in about a year and a half, even before the court hearings when one night I recieved a phone call I thought would never happen in my lifetime. It was from him. We didn't yell at eachother, we didn't fight or argue, we were civil to eachother, which was something that had not happened in awhile. Success, we had at least broken the desructive disrespectful pattern we had learned as normality. We apologized to eachother. There are so many things both of us were at fault for.. see getting my side of the story, you will only get my version which portrays him as the sole bad guy. In his defense, I would be lying if I said I were at all innocent and didn't contribute 50% to our issues. I did. I'm not execusing him for some of his actions, but I am saying that there is so much more that went on between him and I that no one has any idea of but him and I. It brings peace to my heart to say I have forgiven him for everything... There is not an ounce of hatred in my heart for him. Maybe it helps to know he has forgiven me as well, but I'm not sure. Our families still very much dislike, if not hate the other one, which I find interesting, yet completely understandable... but I guess I should be thankful two human beings, like him and I, who had been through so much at such a young age and caused so many ordeals for the other one knows the power of healing and forgiving. I never thought I'd say any of these words, but I don't think he is a bad person, and on the contrary I do love him. Yes in a different way than I "did" some 5 years ago, but never-the-less I've been taught to love, is to love unconditionally, and i am so greatful for all the POSITIVE things that have come out of my life because of him.

I am blessed to have the adoption I do. I am blessed to have made the choice that I made for my son. But I am also blessed, the lord has put peace in my heart and love in my sould for every party involved. I now feel no animosity what so ever. Things are good =)

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Unanswered prayers.

2010-03-30T18:02:00.000-07:00

This is Gavin's birthfather and I.

(back when we were 15/16 ish)

Back when things were happy, and we lived in the obliviousness of teenage-love. Much like the girls on 16 & Pregnant, except for the fact that they are making LIFE CHANGING decisions based upon it and that's where emotions get skewed in my opinion...

When I was in labor with Gavin, as much as i disliked his birthfather, a part of me wished he he would have been standing right beside my bed, holding my hand, telling me to breathe, and telling me I was doing a good job. Instead the cold reality, was the fact that I was doing this alone. Yes my wonderful mother was there, but it wasn't the same. I was pushing out a child I had not concieved alone, and he was not going to be there to offer a simple hug, or word of encouragement. I have resented him for a long time for not being there... Until that is, I watched this season's adoption episode on 16 & Pregnant.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about that show, But i will save that for a post completely dedicated to it. For now, I'll stay on topic... or try, at least haha.

MTV's 16 and Pregnant - MTV Shows

This scene was an all to real scene for me. It was like I was watching the "what if he would have been there" hopsital scene for my own pregnancy. Because I assure you, it would have played out almost Identical to this young lady's experience. And only at this moment in time did I realize I can cherish the fact that I was alone, kissing and hugging my baby boy, and spending his first days loving him. I got to hog that time with him, and I didn't have to share it with someone who would have made me feel like a horrible person for making my choice to place. To be honest, eventhough Gavin's birth-father and I weren't on good terms, part of me feels like his manipulation skills would have made it THAT much harder to place, and possibly could have jeapordized my own perceptions on what was right.

"Sometimes god's greatest gift are unanswered prayers."

I've heard the saying a million times. And it rang true of course. I am so thankful he was not there to told my hand, to hug me and say It'll all be okay... to manipulate me and tell me he would change... to tell me we'd be a family.. and how we would make it work for our son.

It was just me and my baby boy, and that is all I needed for support.

And to keep tradition of music "themed" posts.. one of my favorites.

(NOT SURE WHAT THE ACTUAL VIDEO IS OF, JUST THE SONG)

Unanswered prayers, by Garth Brooks.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

This is why...

2010-03-14T15:45:00.001-07:00

I picked Mrs. R to be Gavin's mom...

"instead of stopping such deviant behavior, we encouraged it (sorry mom!) while i grabbed my camera and tried to capture that laugh and smile."

This is From Mrs. R's post...http://therhouse.blogspot.com/2010/03/throwing-fork.html

I'm sure she had no idea how much this phrase would mean to me when she wrote it, but to be honest it was just MORE confirmation I had picked the right mom for my little boy. Adoptive parents always wonder what makes birth moms pick families profiles over others, and I can't speak for every birth mother, but for me it was how similar they were to the parent(s) I hope to one day be MYSELF. And for me, that's Lindsey. When I think of the mom I want to be, besides my own mother, I look to Lindsey. She lets Gavin and Tyson be kids.. rather than yelling at them for being a little mischevious she embraces the smiles on their faces while they are doing it. Ok, so the children jump on the sofa...Isn't that our purpose as a parent... to provide and have everything FOR our children? haha. When I first was getting to better know Josh and Lindsey as potential parents I saw in her love, which was more important, but honestly it was the light and creativity for cherishing each new thing Tyson did, and each moment she was thankful for having him, and I hoped that she would have with Gavin. She's proved it. She's proved to be the mother I dreamt for him. AND That is why, she is Gavin's wonderful mother.

I love you linds!

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

It's better to have love and lost...

2010-02-28T01:00:00.000-08:00

Than to have never of loved at all...

Nicole & I (tyson's birth mom)

Given the recent circumstances in my life, I haven't been able to write as much as I would have liked. A lot of unfortunate events have occured in my life recently... but with the Lord's help, I am learning resilience day by day. He's really been blessing me, and this is why I have the strength to write this post and to believe in this very cliche saying about love.

According to the dictionary Love is defined as;

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

Well I say it's something deeper, imcomprehensible to us. It makes no sense, but in it's craziness you find perfect sense. It is not selfish, but rather selfless. It hurts, but is a feeling no other can compare to. It's a beautiful mess. And more importantly... It's unconditional.

I have loved and lost.

Whether it's a significant other or the child I gave birth too... I've loved them with all of my heart. And when you love someone.. You have to do what is best for them. And sometimes that means letting them go... go to something better than I. It's hard, it hurts, and it breaks my heart, but I know I've done the right thing and that over powers any pain I feel. I've come to realize through my healing that it only makes me stronger to have loved and lost... because I HAVE LOVED.

The lord has a plan for me as he does for all of us, beyond my wildest dreams. I'm not sure what exactly is in store for me, but one thing I'm constantly reminded of is how my life is a gift of love from my creator and no matter how much it hurts, ITS BEAUTIFUL, a beautiful mess :)

I've done a bunch of realizing over these last few weeks, and I can't wait to sure them with you all. For now I have to keep this brief though.

Final Note:

Day in and Day out we take our life for granted, we resent ourselves and others when things don't go our way, and we may feel like giving up.. but just remember to LOVE your life, and everyone and everything in it. They are a gift, a hard, hurtful, beautiful, amazing gift. We have 86,400 seconds in a day... don't waste it on anything.

Since I like music representation, here is one of my FAVORITES!

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

A birth mother's appreciation.

2009-12-23T22:38:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of my dear Gavin Lee and my nephew Ben. This was taken when my the Rs went to go visit my mom, and siblings. This is what is so amazing about my adoption...

There are so many wonderful things about having an open adoption, I could go on forever. ( And I will in a later post) however this one was soley meant for the purpose of expressing my appreciation to Lindsey and Josh.

Not only are they doing a wonderful Job being parents to G baby, but they show their love for me day in and day out by letting my family and I be a part of his life. It means so much to my family. And it means so much to me.

People ask me if seeing him makes it harder for me, and honestly it doesn't. On the contrary it makes it easier, it only confirms my decision way back when was the right decision. And it brings me peace and joy to get to be as active as I have been in his life.

I wanted to say thank you to josh and Linds. Without you that picture above would have never been possible. Without you and your willingess to have an open adoption my parents wouldn't get to know their bio-grandson, and I wouldn't know the peace I do in my heart and the healing I do in my soul. I love you all. Merry christmas.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

The cost of winning

2009-12-17T18:33:00.000-08:00

Now, I Will briefly mention my opinions of this Dr.Phil episode before I explain my title as I always do...

Dissapointment was the main opinion of this show. I have it recorded on my television and sat down to watch it with my boyfriend ( he is amazing). By the end of the show we were both shouting at the television expressing how dumb and ignorant Dr. Phil is and how I'm glad I was not on that show because I would teach Dr.Phil a thing or two. haha. There is however one main thing I would say to Mr.Phil and that is, there is TWO sides to every story and you my friend, only covered one.

As a birthmother myself, I am offended you discredited "all birthmothers" for the choices we made to BETTER our child lives and made our sacrifices and tears seem minute and heartless. Dr.Phil, I know you will never know my pain and suffering of having a successful adoption, but please next time you do a show on adoption you do show positivity (the thing you probably yell at and promote to all your other "in-oportune" guests.) better luck next time.

Okay onto my posting....

As most people know WE WON OUR CASE! ( jump up and down yipee!)

I am happy to know it is over. I am happy to know Gavin will be sealed to his parents and brother forever. I am happy we can now rest knowing Jordan is not any step closer to filing another paper or appeal. But it did not come without a cost. A monetary one as well as an emotional one (for both parties).

I have and will continue to spread my positive experience with adoption. However, happiness and success for Gavin's life has caused me much pain along the way. Many tears were cried, many long nights of prayer, and many doubts as well.

And to relate with most birthmothers who have been in my situation, it wasn't just the tears of our sacrifice but tears for many things. I have not cried for J in a long time, but my heart does go out to him for loosing... my heart only goes out to him to hope that he makes better decisions in the future for his own life and any new girlfriend he encounters. My heart goes out to him because a part of me believes that after all he went through regarding the trial, he did change a little bit and I hope he realizes now that his actions do equal consequences, and finally that what he may think was my "heartless decision" was really a blessing for both us and our biological son.

It is over. No more wondering. No more crying. No more worry.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU JOSH AND LINDS. you have your baby & you've earned him forever. :)

WOO hoo. we won.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Feelings of inadequacy

2009-11-15T17:34:00.000-08:00

Self Esteem is an issue for many women. It does not descriminate against age, race, or religion. It does not have a time limit, nor a medicated cure. It is simply that, an issue.

I momentarily questioned whether or not I would address this subject on my blog, and making it public because for me it is a very raw and personal issue. Especially being a birth mom.

After the heart(less) man (aka: Gavin's birthfather) I have found a breath of fresh air in my current boyfriend ( YES, there is hope ladies!) He is amazing and truly a blessing to have in my life. He treats me with respect and no matter if im wearing sweats with no make up or volumized hair with stilettos he reminds me how beautiful I am. Sounds Perfect right?

Well, quite the contrary it is not. Not because of anything he does, but rather that annoying voice in my head (not the conscience) but rather my self-esteem sometimes. I'm not trying to brag, but it is typically agreed upon that my boyfriend is rather attractive. And in turn has had some pretty attractive ex-girlfriends. It's not that I am jealous of them in any way, but it does create some self-doubt and insecurities. Not to mention, He has NEVER dated a birthmom.

I have always heard that men love confident women, and I assure you in my capabilities I am.
But while he is telling me how he thinks I am beautiful all that is going through my head is the the cellulite, the toning needed, and most devastating for me..the stretchmarks on my stomach left from pregnancy.

It's not even that I did not use coco butter while being pregnant, because believe me I swore by that tip. But I have to fact the fact that
I WILL NEVER FEEL comfortable ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO WEAR a 2 PIECE EVER.

It's a hard fact to face though. The thought of ever being intimate against now scares the bajeesus out of me. (Maybe that's a good thing haha) But when it comes time to, I honestly feel as though I will have a heart attack.

I have struggled with self esteem issues, like most women, for a long time, but a pregnancy didn't exactly help with that. It is though an issue I will have to learn to face, and an issue I will one day overcome.

Final Thought:
Although I do struggle with my imperfections, I have found someone who accepts me for me and finds me beautiful throughout my faults. That is one thing I wish I could stress to more young women. They are all beautiful in their own way, and they DESERVE someone who thinks the same. It is so important to find someone who will respect you and not put you down. Studies say that the more we hear something, the more we believe it. So why not have those things be positive? You are a beautiful, strong woman. Now go say it in the mirror! haha and remember, before others can love us, we MUST love ourselves!

Have a good one.

-Joniece

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Addressing Abortion.

2009-11-11T23:31:00.000-08:00

"The fact that abortion was even considered is HORRIBLE. I'm glad that this birthmom did not go through with it. However, it would never have been an option for me. Am I bitter? Perhaps. No, you're right, I am. I am bitter. and if this comment gets deleted that's ok. I just needed to get it out of my system, because I wanted my baby."

Some may recongize this comment from the r house post in response to her post featuring my letter and I wanted to address some things regarding this comment.

First off, although some may be bitter about this comment as a response to their raw emotions I am not and this is why.

After reading some of this individual's blog my understanding is they're is in a lot of hurt and pain. Hurt and pain that I never wish to feel and can't even begin to empathize and relate to, and for that their response to the idea of an abortion is completely understandable. I will however say there is one thing they are wrong about, and a pain I know too well because

"I wanted my baby too."

Abortion was not an option for me, even if I had momentarily convinced myself it was. As a matter of fact prior to have an unexpected pregnancy, I had shunned those who had gotten them and condemned those who thought about it. Until that is, I found myself in their shoes. I agree that abortion is a horrible thing, however I do not agree that "thinking" about it is. For there is a term called a "momentary lapse of judgement" that overtakes many of us in a panic situation. Which for me at the time, being pregnant was. I wanted my baby boy just as much you wanted your baby. I wanted to hold him and kiss him when he cried, rock him to sleep, see his first steps, teach him his first words, take him to his first day of school, and tuck him in at night. I wanted it all. But unfortunately I found my self in a much less ideal situation than your own. For had I been in your situation, you are right, abortion wouldn't have even crossed my mind.

Yes adoption was my choice. But it wasn't exactly a choice I could refuse if I wanted him to have the life that I'm sure your baby would have experienced. Two loving parents, a wonderful and loving home. That is why I HAD to make my decision.

Like I said I sympathize for all you have gone through and cannot even begin to express my sorrow and apologies, but before you are so quick to condemn me for my initial thoughts I just want you to realize...

I know what it is like to want them.

I know what it is like to cry.

I know what it is like to love them.

I wish you the best in whatever comes your way.

An as a final thought....

In the hardest times in our life, let us be reminded of the strength we find not in only in others, but more importantly in ourselves. There are many times when life's trails and tribulations are overwhelming and it seems way too easy to just give up, but I assure you.. you're greatest tool, you're greatest weapon, and you're greatest shield is you. Think about those one or two events in your life where you thought you may not see the "light at the end of the tunnel" and then afterwards think about exactly how you made it through, and that my friends is the strength from within, the one that can get you through ANYTHING.

Have a good one.

Joniece

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

My letter to you.

2009-11-11T00:24:00.000-08:00

As I was looking at my blog today, I thought of it's creation. WHY it was created. It was createdd for me? yes. Created for Gavin? yes. Created for curiousity about adoption? mhmm.

But more importantly it was created for any pregnant woman who has found herself in the less-than-ideal situation while being pregnant and is curious as to what her options are.

( Kind of like myself at one point)

Although there are many resources and links, none of them can compare to what I would truly say to them if I were having a face to face chat... So here is my best.

Dear "un-expecting" expecting mother,

I remember the day like it was yesterday.. I was on my knees sobbing repeating "My life is over." Nothing else was going through my mind at that point, other than the fact that I didn't believe what had happened... It was the day I found out I was pregnant. I was 18 years old, in school, and jobless. I was not even in an "actual" relationship with the birth-father at the time. "OH MY GOSH."

Adoption was never an option for me at first. It was an all or nothing type deal for me. Either I kept him or I was going to abort him. Afterall, there was no way I could have my child out there being raised by others. However, I couldn't tell my father.. It would upset and dissapoint him way to much. I was so confused on what to do! Not to mention my ex-boyfriend wasn't the most supportive... He begged me to get an abortion at first. And that my friend, is what I had planned on doing. Abortion... it was the only logical and easiest choice for everyone involved. Keeping in mind, I was raised and still am a catholic and that is against my religion... But really what other choice did I have.

I urge speaking to someone whose advice you trust greatly, whether it be a friend or a family member. I spoke to my best friend Chris. We had been best friends since 11yrs old and he always knew what to say, although this time.. he didn't really. He was sort of in shock... I honestly thought he would stop talking to me because of the choice I had made, but he didn't.. he assured me he loved me and wouldn't stop being my friend. He asked me what I was going to do and I told him I had no Idea, but was thinking about abortion. He told me he didn't agree with that option but would love me no matter what. Chris then told me about how his brother and sister-n-law had adopted and she could give me more information about it. ( I knew this beforehand as well) I told him okay, but honestly still shrugged off the idea of adoption. The main thing I got from our conversation is, "he told me to pray, just pray for the answer." And i did exactly this. I prayed for god to give me the answer to what I was supposed to do and make it clear to me.. Within the next couple of day I could see his answer start to un-ravel. I no longer wanted an abortion.

My ex and I had decided to parent without being in a relationship and just share responsibilities. How sad was this? My baby was going to not only be raised in a broken home, but born into one. I could deal with that fact at the time though. My relationship or lack-thereof with my ex was horrible. Before and during my pregnancy there were encounters that went from verbal arguements and abuse to physical. This was the deal breaker for me.

I could handle my baby being born to parents who were not together, but I would not stand for him being born and part of an abusive family. I then made the hardest decision I've ever made.. Parenting was not the option for my baby & I. I wanted him to grow up in a loving and nurturing family. One who would read together, sing together, pray together, eat together and overall love together. That was the important thing..LOVE. I wanted him to have it all because of how much I already loved him. Not that my family couldn't love him or didn't do those things.. I ASSURE you they wanted him just as much as I did. But it was about him.. and his parents.. and siblings and his life. I mean this is not just a choice for when he is a baby. It's making a choice for his WHOLE life, the life I wanted him to lead while on earth.

Adoption made this possible. I made it possible.

I'm not going to sugar coat it and tell you all of it is rainbows and butterflies, because it wasn't and still isn't a year plus later. It's hard. VERY hard. The hardest thing I've ever done. But it was MY choice. and it was the RIGHT choice for my baby & I.

That's all I want you to get out of this, it is YOUR choice. No one else's. (I REPEAT "NO ONE ELSE's") You are the only one carrying your baby. I can't sit here and say adoption is the right choice for every single person, every single scenario. But I want you to know it is an option and a good one at that. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

"No choice you make for yourself, is the wrong choice"- Sal Loya ( a very wise man *wink*)

YOU ARE STRONG.

just remember this.

it is what got me by.

Sincerely,

Joniece

ps.

If you ever need to talk about anything or have any questions PLEASE PLEASE email me at

loyjoniece@aol.com. It's available 24/7 haha.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Thinking about you.

2009-11-04T22:32:00.000-08:00

As some of you know already, I'm sort of a "closet poet". I used to write poetry religiously however since I've gotten older, life gets busier and it has sadly been put aside. However, with recent events and just thoughts of Gavin words have been swirling around in my head and I feel that poetry is thee only way to organize them sometimes... enjoy.

My heart to yours.

I can see you're happy, I can see your smile

but my heart is speaking to yours all the while

it's telling you that I love you and how much I care

how much I miss you and wish I was there

It's telling you I'd hug you & hold you just to say

I think about you always, all through the day

It would tell you of the tears i've cried while you've been gone

and how much i wanted you all along

It would ask you to understand what i wanted for your life

one full of happiness without sadness and strife

It'd say for you to never feel lonely or sad

because a million people love you and wanted you bad

it would tell you i'll always be here without doubt

and how love is something you'd never go without

Last it would say that i love you dear son

and how in my heart youre still number one

it would speak to you the way my stomach roars

and you'd hear all id say, from my heart to yours.

-love your birth mom.

i love you baby Gavin.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Mas O Menos.

2009-10-21T22:27:00.000-07:00

My reaction to the judge's ruling...

MAS O MENOS

In Spanish, Mas o Menos is equivelant to the saying "so, so". Although this emotion may suprise some, this is the best way I would describe my reaction and this is why...

First let me say, I am ecstatic of the Judge's ruling. I couldn't have hoped for a better outcome (Assuming that the heart (less) man doesn't appeal). This is what I wanted, this is what i prayed and hoped for, this is what i was FIGHTING for. I shed many tears for this and now it is over. Let me assure you the majority of me was in dancing and rejoicing right along with most. Now let me explain to you the how the not-so-majority side of me felt...

Wierd.

I know that isn't much of an explanation nor emotion, but I felt wierd. I was with my boyfriend at the time my father relayed the message to me and to be honest... It was hard for me to take in. I wasn't sure how exactly I should feel at that moment in time. I told my boyfriend that "we won" and he looked at me then asked, "well isn't that a good thing?" and I said, "Yes."

I am so confident I made the right decision almost 1 year and 2 mos. ago. And I could not be happier with the way things are. Gavin AND I are in the right place for our lives. But I couldn't help but feel bad for Jordan and his family... I know, I know.. HOW... after all the things that they've put me through. I guess I put my own family in their shoes, ( I have a 20 month old nephew) and to not have him in our family would be unbearable. I do not under any circumstances think the judge should have made a different decision. But in a way I feel as though I have taken something from Jordan. I can't really explain much more than that...

but rather it has been a very emotion difficult thing for me to deal with,

all of it.

But like I said I'm overall very happy with the outcome , and look forward to this being officially over.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

"you put the trail in trial & tribulation"

2009-09-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance. Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking. Loving mightbe a mistake but it's worth making."- Le ann Womack.

As I sat in the row right behind Larry and Lance squeezing the hands of the R's. I was overcome with emotions. I was mad, sad, irate, and most of all hurt. As if it wasn't bad enough I had to stare at the face of the one person who has hurt me the most and hear him tell lies about me, but it also happened to be the same courtroom that just 1 year and 9 days prior, I had done the hardest thing I will ever do in my life... relinquished my rights to Gavin. I knew that it would be the same court room and the same Judge before we arrived, but didn't expect the burst of emotion and tears that came with it. When we arrived there were tons of people to support us (bless their hearts). I met and said hi to a couple of them but found tears welling up in my eyes as I passed the conference room where I had fallen to my knees in tears with my father and baby boy. All the emotions and memories that I tend to lock in the back of my mind had escaped and I retreated to the doorway of the emergency exit stairs. There I held my mouth to silence my sobs as huge tears rolled down my face. I asked god for the peace and stength to do this, wiped my tears and returned to the main hallway. I felt like vomitting with the thought of being in that same court room with Jor. All I could think about was, " You picked the WRONG damn time to be here, you should have been here the first time, holding my hand and supporting me!" (execuse my language). It was hard at first, I cried a few tears in the court room, not out of response for lies, but rather anger at him for not caring WHEN he should have and needed to. We went through the rest of the trial and I had calmed down. It was now my turn to testify. My knee had been shaking the whole time (meaning I'm nervous). I was so afraid I was going to stumble over my words and get confused with dates, only to appear as incompetent as he. I said one final prayer to God, to let these words come out of my mouth clear and accurate and express their true meaning. I spoke, not with the confusion of a liar, but the sureness of a victim, the heart of a lion, and the love of a biological mother. The trial ended, and now the verdict is in the Judge's hands, but although others left there a little uneasy (understandably) I felt happy, and I felt sureness, and most of all I felt PEACE.

I was driving on my long distance journey to my new life, and heard a song I had heard many times before however, this time it had a new meaning and I quickly dedicated it to Gavin.

I hope you dance.- Lee ann Womack.

If I could tell him all I wanted for him in life, I would simply show him the lyrics to this song.

It talks about faith, love and living. Three precious gifts given to us by god. It brought me peace on the same day I was fighting... Fighting for him to give him these 3 things in his life.

Finally, thank you to all the support, love, and prayers. They're truly appreciated.

Check it out.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

The Adventure.

2009-08-24T20:13:00.000-07:00

Most people know that this is my favorite song.

I definitely am a bad-blogger when it comes to everyday-blogging. But that wasn't the purpose of this blog. I created this blog to track the journey of being a birth mom. It's an adventure..
One filled with emotions, love, craziness, peace, and joy.

This song is dedicated to my journey.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Life after & laughter

2009-07-30T19:05:00.000-07:00

As I sat at the dinner table with my parents, a-day-old Gavin, my best friend and his family, and supporters I hadn't made up my mind...

I sat in the restroom and cried silent tears as I covered my sobs with my hands. It wouldn't be okay. Either decision I made it hurt. My heart would never heal.

or so I thought...

To be honest telling people about my adoption is something that is still very nerve racking to me, eventhough I've done it my fair share of times, especially to boys. I never know how they're going to react. At that point I can only hope they understand and are accepting of it. There is a new boy in my life and I just told him 2 weeks ago of my having placed a child. T needed sometime (which I understood) and he called me back and reassured me he didn't feel or think differently of me, but didn't continue on about it nor ask any questions (which I didn't push). As I laid next to him the other day, we began discussing it. He asked me some questions and I just sat there and told him emotions and events that took place, although he seemed unable to understand how I could do that. It was great. However, as I sat there and had this heart to heart conversation with him I noticed something greater taking place...

HEALING.

Right after placement, my heart was literally broken.. I didn't feel like eating or sleeping, just crying. I thought the pain I felt would never subside and my longing for the child I delivered would remain constant. It hasn't.

It's not that I don't miss my little boy more than anything in this world. (Eventhough thanks to my open adoption I get to see him frequently)... It's just peace.

Peace I feel about my decision, that it was the right one for not only him but for us both.

I explained to T that I only could do it because I wanted a certain life for my child...well all my children. And that I simply gave him the life that I hope to give my future children since I couldn't. T now understood.

I don't think of Gavin as "my son to raise" necessarily, but as my beautiful heaven sent son who was to bless this world & be an angel to me. Maybe to help me cope or maybe because that is truly what he is. I no longer feel that longing for the child I delivered, but rather feel love and peace that I made the right decision. I think about him all the time still (that really doesn't go away), and from time to time I still cry about it which I've come to accept, but greater than all these emotions is LOVE. And the love I have for him is unimaginable and that I proved. Not only for him, but for his family.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Today I was born.

2009-07-12T19:12:00.000-07:00

JULY 12.

my mother gave birth to me at 11:33am.

Today is my birthday, and as it comes to an end I'm thinking about all the wonderful people who wished me a happy birthday.. all the people who love me and actually care about this day in 2009. (THANK YOU TO EVERYONE). Like an adult, I had to work all day long but thankfully, I have amazing co-workers who treated me to food and cake and birthday songs and laughter! They are amazing.

However... random thought, there was one particular person on my mind today...

Chris Redfern, my best friend (aka: Mrs. R's brother-in-law).

For 9 years now he has not missed one birthday of mine, and although I know he is doing great work for the lord... I kind of missed getting that phone call trying so hard to rub it in that he is in fact 3 months older than me to the day.

this of course is one of my favorite pictures, probably because it makes me laugh hysterically.

It is because of chris that my life has changed in many ways for the better. I haven't had the priviledge of talking to him via telephone since christmas and I guess all I'm saying is I miss him!

Touche Christina Redferno (nickname), you are indeed older than I am.

love you best friend forever for life :)

& happy birthday to me.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Cinco star papa.

2009-06-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

When I was in 8th grade, we had this project called a "cultural assembly". We would make a presentation about someone that inspired us on a 3 panel board and present them. I chose my father. I named my project "Cinco Star Papa" to represent a) our cultural background by mixing both languages we are fluent in and b) choosing the title I felt best fit my dad.

When you hear about "5 star" things like restaraunts and hotels, you think glorious, and praised. You think of luxury and priviledge. This is the way I feel about my father, I have never been jipped in the "daddy" department. He has been my rock through my whole life. He has worked his whole life to provide the best for him family The one thing I can always count on (other than my mom), to hold my head up high when I have been too weak to do so. He is single handedly the major reason I placed my son... So he could experience having a father who would do the same things for him that mine did. One who would teach him, protect him, encourage, support and love him. He is amazing and the strongest person I know.

I respect him. I adore him. And most importantly I love him and can only dream of being as strong as he is one day.

Happy Father's Day Daddy. I love you.

(This is the song we did our "father-daughter" dance to at my quinceanera & it couldn't have been a better choice. It is the best way to describe our relationship.)

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

2009-06-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

This is the only love of my life at this point. He goes by the name of Gavin. And is thee most handsome individual i have ever seen (am i a little bias lol). Yesterday I had the "pleasure" of sitting across the one who assisted me in his creation. Let me just tell you I had a mix of emotions! My insides were going haywire, I hyperventilated in the bathroom prior to his entrance into the room, and I felt like purging one too many times. I was torn right down the middle, I hated him, but then I didn't hate him and rather felt sorry for him.
I couldn't help but think of prior good times we've had, prior bad times we've had, TRY and picture him with Gavin. Could things have been different? Did I want things to be different? Did I regret my decision or rather did it reaffirm my decision?

My answer to all those questions is simply yes. Let me explain...

He was my "first love", the first boy I "really cared about" and opened up to and to this day he is the only guy I would be completely comfortable with being infront of with no make up, no hair done, and oversized sweats just hanging out. (he's seen me in a worse state lol). As I sat across the table from him I sure he felt my eyes burning through him. I rarely allowed my eyes to stray from his nervous face, yet never once did he make eye contact with me. I heard him lie, and try to justify every mishap he had done this past year that i constantly complained about last summer and then some. I heard him try to call me a liar, and vaguely attempted to prove how gavin should be living with him.

THE POINT IS...

I made the decision. And I had the right to.

But let me explain the decision I made.

I made the decision to give my child a better life than his bio father and I could have provided. I also made the decision to "technically" strip Jordan away of any parenting rights he would of had, had I decided to parent.

I can't lie and say that seldomly I don't think about this and feel bad. He did after all, participate in the creation of this beautiful baby boy. His DNA is partially his.

But I made that decision, and I had the right to.

When I became pregnant, I had every intention of parenting this child, but obviously circumstances weren't ideal.

He made the decisions he did. SO I HAD TO MAKE THE DECISION I DID.

It is that simple.

Maybe if he would of made different decisions, I would have to.

But that wasn't and will never be the case.

I harbor no bad feelings for Jordan for I understand the love it takes to sacrifice your flesh and blood. He feels that Gavin belongs in his family (strictly because they share DNA).

But I made the decision otherwise.

AND I DO NOT REGRET IT.

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Post-Placement visits.

2009-06-02T12:39:00.001-07:00

Gavin & I.

First I'd just like to say thank you to all who support me. It really does mean a lot to me and I really do appreciate it. It really inspires me and makes me want to share my story more.

For the longest time, I dreaded my first post-placement visit. I didn't think I could handle seeing him and holding him for a long, long time. I had done okay coping so far, and I felt as though seeing him would stir up all the emotions I had so successfully tucked away. I stayed away for about 8 months. My heart would contemplate the idea of going to visit him, but my mind would quickly shut it down...

I am happy to say, I have visited 4 times in the past 3 months.

I suprised myself by not crying at all the first time I saw him. In fact I haven't cried much in the 4 times I have. However there was one time (the 2nd visit) where he was in his crib and I went into his room and just stared at him. I then started to see that face I saw and wept over on placement day, silent tears rolled down my cheek. I quickly wiped them away and picked him up to embrace and hug him. I've loved every visit, it really is visiting family to me. But the one thing I cherish most, is seeing him happy, healthy, and loved. That is after all, the reason I placed. Post-placement visits will be different for every birth mom. They are tear-jerkers, and hard. But it can also be a wonderful thing.

Yesterday afternoon The R's, Tyson, and Gavin and I were outside on their patio (in their new house might I add) just soaking up the sun and playing in the grass. We all took turns entertaining the boys, I threw a ball to tyson and then ATTEMPTED to keep Gavin from eating grass, meanwhile realizing how much peace I felt. It was amazing. My heart and mind were in sync with happiness and the joy i felt. How could I ever have not wanted to experience this?

Every time I see him, it gets easier. I love him more and more each time I look into those familiar big brown eyes, and kiss his soft cheeks.

Just remember all birthmoms are different. Once again I recommend communication as being the best key to make both parties comfortable. And if all else fails, Ask Mrs.R because every visit has been amazing. (Not to mention we hit up all our favorite spots to eat, and indulge..need I say more?)

To see additional posts, click on "Older Posts."

Placement day.

2009-05-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

This picture is I think the most precious picture to me in the WORLD. This is the day of placement. My camera then deleted all the pictures of my little boy's first days, and this is the only one of placement day saved.

Placement day is the hardest day of the whole adoption.

I'm not sugar coating it at all by saying this was the hardest day of my life. I've never felt so much pain, and heartbreak in one day. The car ride to the courthouse was heart-wrenching, I kept back tears while staring into the beautiful brown eyes of my little boy. (If you've seen him, you know just how beautiful they are). I was about to leave the only thing I've ever TRULY loved more than anything in the arms of another and relinquish my parental rights to him. As you can imagine, it was a little overwhelming.

When you're pregnant and deciding to place, it seemed alot easier, especially for people like me (because I emotionally block things out). But it was finally here, THE DAY, I had this little precious boy in my arms with my own Father there with me ( an exact image of him). Not only was I placing my little boy, but I was placing his grandson. But my father in character, encouraged me to be strong, and expressed his love for me unconditionally. When we got to the parking lot, we were parked next Mr & Mrs. R. As much as I love them, I found it hard to even look at them that morning. ( I assure you I loved them, it was just hard). These were the AMAZING people that were going to assume my role as "parent" and love my little boy unconditionally. We all walked into the courtoom and sat down, I at the podium and everyone else including my best friend Chris, and his mom, behind me with Gavin in my father's arms. The lawyer and judge had me relinquish my rights verbally and then sign the dotted line. Every word that came out of my mouth felt like a knife in my heart. I tried so hard not to cry, but with every word also came a tear and a sob. I tired so hard to be strong, but I felt like dying. After all the paperwork was done I was given an opportunity to say bye to Gavin alone, because I was not strong enough to place him in their arms. My father and I proceeded to a small conference room with the R's lawyer following a hug from my best friend. There I held my small baby one last time, sobbing and telling him how much I loved him and how much I'd miss him. Kissing him as if there was no tomorrow. My father also said bye to him, and told me "it was time", I placed him in my father's arms who then placed him in the laywer's arms to deliver to the R's. The lawyer exited the room, and I fell to my knees in tears. My father picked me up and hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay. We waited awhile for The Rs to leave before we did. I collected myself as my father has always taught me to do (he is the strongest person I know) and we exited the building with the peace of the lord in our hearts, especially. I did not shed a tear until I had arrived home that night empty handed with nothing but a camera full of pictures of the one person I loved more than life itself.

I assure you, placement day is the hardest day.

But it does get better.

With time it heals, my heart healed and continues to heal everyday. Knowing he is loved and happy is the one thing I could ask for.

For the longest time I denied the pain that would come with that day. Alot of women do, not knowing the emotions that will come with actually seeing the baby, but the lord knows.. the lord feels, and the lord will bless.

This is kassie...

2009-05-30T12:41:00.000-07:00

(pictured here with her brother)

Kassie is adopted.

Kassie and I have known eachother since we were in 6th grade. She is a smart, beautiful, athletic talent, amazing individual. To be honest I didn't even know Kassie was adopted until this year 8 years later. I instantly became interested and curious on her views and her story. She was so open with me about it and allowed me to share her story. Our conversation went amazing.

"i have known ive been adopted ever since i was young. mom and dad makes sure that i 'knew' my brother grew in mommys womb and i grew in their hearts.and to be honest i forget that im adopted sometimes! im guessing its cuz i dont see my skin color against theirs heh. but my family has said before that they forget im adopted too cuz im so much like then and such.they had to wait three years for me. chose me over a lil korean boy. adoption process went thru some catholic services company out of seattle i believe, dont think they are still around, but could be i just dunno.at the time i was adopted, asian girl adoptions were a bit rare due to the whole boys are better than girls thought in asia. so the fact that my birth mom went thru it all to give me up is pretty trippy to think about, yet im very grateful to her. i know i was a fair bit pricey for them to adopt me, but they will and prob wont ever tell me. tho i did just find out that adoption is a tax exemption, which was kinda weird to find out.the one part of my adoption that i have never felt very comfortable with is that "my files" had been court sealed til i turned 18. so i kno nothing about my birth parents besides my moms age, she lived on a farm, dad that left my mom had a temper and thats it.i want to go get my files, but im not sure im mature enough to know whats in them. i want to make sure im mentally strong enough for what may or may not be in them. i figure ill get them when im 21...i have always wanted to know if i have siblings or if any of my birth family thinks about me. my adoption is a closed one, so theres no way of communicating with them.i remember going thru a stage in my adolescence that i was frustrated/angry with my birth mom for giving me up, like i couldnt decide if its cuz she didnt want me cuz she was so young or if she gave me up for a legit reason or what... but as time passed i realized as a child grows in the womb the more attached to it you become as a mother, so obviously she gave me up for me to have a better life.before i came over to the states at 5 months, i was in an orphanage in seoul, korea. i dont know anything about that.umm.. what else ya want :)"

I am so appreciative for Kassie sharing her story. Eventhough I have an open adoption, not everyone from my home town knows I've had a child (I wanted it that way), but I shared with Kassie about my experience and placing. I also was quick to re-assure her that I'm sure her birthmom wanted her more than anything and loved her so much.

It was amazing to me how oblivious I was to adoption around me, and in my own life before I placed.

But it's a beautiful thing.

My journey began

2009-01-31T15:17:00.001-08:00

August 29, 2008
The day my life became signifcant

This is Gavin Lee. I am his birth mother, and he is my angel. He has made my life significant and taught me the real meaning of Love & Heartbreak. Love, because when I looked into his eyes it was like no other feeling I've felt in my life. And heartbreak, because my heart felt like it was physically breaking when I had to make THEE hardest decision of my life. I was faced with an unplanned pregnancy at 18, an abusive birth father, and some life changing decisions.

There is nothing easy about adoption.

But there are some wonderful things.

I'm still on my Journey, September 2, 2008 was just the beginning.

Life is beautiful, and god is merciful.

And this wasn't the end of my life...

but rather the start of a new chapter. A wonderful chapter.